
So in conclusion ?
So Ok its a bit far fetched what I am basically arguing is that I made an actual artifact mentioned in a bunch of songlyrics written 30 odd years beforehand.
This is because I was involved in some sort of song battle for the world which you would argue is mental illness and it was all going to be alright after I made the candlestick (for a week anyway ).
I personally am convinced of nothing else that I lived in and was part of the following lines in a song !
So come on Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack Flash sat on a candlestick
'Cause fire is the devil's only friend
and maybe....
(Oh and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No angel born in Hell
Could break that Satans spell)
So obviously In 2009 the veil wasn't ripped and nobody took over the earth. In fact nothing happened ....But I think I stopped something. It was either something that was going to save the earth or destroy it and it well may have been the former.
To be honest I had no idea what I was doing or did if anything. There were many other things the strange compilation tape the poems I had written in my early 20's all weird stuff but the evidence has now gone so I will not go into it.
Maybe it was nothing but I lived it vicerally so I am on guard and when I see the deception that is around I have my concerns.
So I'm not asking anybody to follow me or for me to tell them what to do or anything like that. Just to entertain that if that is true then we do indeed live in a very different world to what we percieve it to be.
Looking at the world around us maybe satan if he is a thing is at work and the great deception that the bible speaks of is unfolding. (no I'm not taliking about the coronavirus.)
Many Christains would argue that most of the songs I use are the "Devils Tunes". They probably are. However if we are having song battles around the end of the world I feel you should know that the devil doesn't win. Jesus Christ has already prevailed (this is the good news) but I strongly urge you to pick up a Bible and make your own judgements.
Sadly it gets worse before it gets better so keep your feet on solid ground folks.
Ok an update after watching don't lookup.
I did a song in dec2nd 2019 called "not knowing the reasons why" its on the previous page.
It followed a couple of songs about trumpets (what can I say maybe john (of revelation fame was prone to exagerate a bit)
Anyway this song I believe heralded the start of the tribulation period and the four horses of the apocalyse. In my old sunday school days they were pestilence war famine then death. the tribulation period lasts 7 years divided into 2 3 and a half year segments. After the first 3 and a half year segment the antichrist takes the stage and he will look like being of light full of love and togetherness. Dont follow him. (it could be me so don't follow me!)
At the end of the 7 years there will be a new heaven and new earth and god himself will rule over it. ( I think) But alot of shit will happen before then. So in Jan 2022 pestilence looks to be over if its war next know god and jesus have got this and go and get saved.
You see if all these things have happened as predicted there is no reason to disbelieve the ultimate outcome the good people win go and become a good person.
The way the world was heading due to greed the poor were being crushed and set to drowm while the rich floated above.
This end is the opposite of that.
However don't get me wrong do I personally think its a good ending you think... As someone who could have saved the world but was ultimately not destined to . Who has spent the last ten years working out whether its something I've already done that stuffed it up or something I've yet to do or even worse something I should be doing . I think its a difficult ending gods going to destroy the world because people are destroying the world (correction satans going to destroy the world ) however he is going to build a new much better one so.. but its not my ending and I have had over ten years to try and get my head around it and come to some sort of accomodation with it and I guess there were no easy endings.
The other day I saw a cartoon floating around with somebody vision of their ideal world with the bodies of the losers underneath. It chilled me but it was not unexpected. Obviously in 2009 even though I thought I was so out of my depth of course invited onto a train that I didn't know what it was put there was darkness and revelation and the stadia of blood pretty horrific stuff. In a nutshell its the apple tree problem .How do we share out the apples an ideological struggle that communists killed a surprisingly large number of people in the 20th century as did their facist opposites. The overwhelming winner was of course the plant more trees crowd. However when you run out of space for the trees what then ? So your back to the same problem. It raises a number of morale problems the christian and indeed human answer is out of love for the planet for each other we share the apples and choose to only take what we need. However what if some don't want to ? Can you enforce love ? Without it the world would slowly become degraded and those with wealth would naturally be able to secure as many apples as they could and hoard them but still they would be living on a dead earth. Of course the issue of how to share the apples has 2 axis the apples which we've established is getting more and more difficult to increase and of course people. One of the great news items is voluntarily human population growth is flattening fast very fast which is great news. However its obvious that someone could look at that axis and see it as the solution to providing as many apples as you like. At the time you run over whether there is any morale case on carbon use ? Well it is easier for a millionaire to cover his mansion in solar and point to his neutrality than it is for someone living in a Brazilian tenement (however check out latin americas renewable transformation ). In short I couldn't find a morale justification although sometimes when I see people selling out the human race working pr for oil companies or facists well I don't know how they live with their conscience. If I had people I would protect them even if that meant taking everybody down. Is that morale ? Difficult decisions so in a way my video of 2016 we all go green or we all die in a nuclear war is that the only morale choice ? It's hardly satisfactory.. Maybe it would be better to stand there and let the communists or the facists kill us I'm sure the planet isn't fussy. In 2009 I mulled over the options obviously the decision was it wasn't for strange open mics to decide but it was for the experts and politicians to decide. Maybe that was abrogating my responsibility and well its not gone well has it at the time I was pretty much going oh shit as I kind of thought if I had just got up on stage and just played any of the songs crap or not I would be just living a normal happy (think the good life) and not be in this mess of having to contemplate if it came to it which half of the human race you would exterminate (of course any attempt to would kill all the apple trees ). All I will say is beware anybody who says you can have all the apples you desire because he/she have got their eyes on that people axis. In revelation most options are covered.
There are some christians who interpret scripture to say after the 7 years all the christians are "raptured" (evacuated) before gods punishment really falls on the earth that fits better with my more recent songs. I am not a biblical scholar in anyway I just do weirdly inspired songs that's all.
So are you saying the Culture war is God vs the Devil to be honest I'm saying I don't really have a clue its very odd to me I personally think the culture is a creation of the devil so its the devil vs the devil. However in scripture it does say Jesus comes to divide so I don't know I can only say my opinion.
So I guess I should maybe elaborate on how the world could have been saved in this bonkers theory... Well in an old compilation tape that I sent many years ago contained a song about writing a song for the striking workers and this one.
Brand new colony I do like this song especially the acoustic version.
I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served
With the table set, in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day
I'll be the water-wings that save you
If you start drowning in an open tab
When your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back
As you're lying there, drifting off to sleep (Drifting off to sleep)
I'll be the platform shoes, undo what heredity's done to you
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes (My eyes)
I'll be your winter coat, buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold
I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change
We'll give ourselves new names, identities erased
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change
Everything will change
Everything will change
So.... the world was going to saved by some sort of extreme camping hippy colony movement. To be honest I do love camping but I don't need to point out the heat coefficient of a standard tent is not great.
I guess just leaving Babylon irather than changing it is probably more achievable but still like what we crowdfund a field ?
Mind you I can't quite see it hey babe want to save the world with me ? OK what do we have to do .... well it involves a bit of camping. OK great for a week or 2 is it ? erm...
As it happens in real life I share a small house with my wife and now my wife thinks I've invented some extraordinary elaborate and preplanned tale to try and get into someones pants . I will shortly be left with no house so its probably lucky that I own 3 tents and an insanely large number of cup of soups.
So if indeed its all part of a celestial plan I can be assured that whoever it is likes asparagus !
But then I write that and think I will just look up the verse of the day and it gives me this..
This verse haunts me. Many folks gave up following Jesus when things became hard for them to understand, or he said things they did not think were possible. When he shattered their preconceived notions of religious things or confronted them about their motives, they left and gave up following him. What will I do when things get difficult in my discipleship and I can't figure out all the answers to what is going on? I hope, pray, and trust that I will follow until the way and the will of the Lord become clearer!
To be honest In feel I have been very slow in following the breadcrumbs lately. This last bit is well very caveated. So if we don't live in the world we perceive it to be then what.We live in creation ?
There is a very legitimate and to some degree examined with some evidence that we live in a simulation (aka the matrix et al).. A computer program if you like. There is scientific evidence that some properties are only rendered if you like when they are observed like a computer game.
Then there is this 2000 year old hocus focus ?
In the beginning there was the Word.
The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. All things were made by him, and nothing was made without him. In him there was life, and that life was the light of all people. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overpowered it. There was a man named John who was sent by God. He came to tell people the truth about the Light so that through him all people could hear about the Light and believe. John was not the Light, but he came to tell people the truth about the Light. The true Light that gives light to all was coming into the world! The Word was in the world, and the world was made by him, but the world did not know him.
In fact much of the bible makes much more sense in the context of "creation".
'With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day' (2 Peter 3:8). He has perfect timing: never early, never late. God is never in a hurry, but he is always on time. We see in today's passages that the Lord is sovereign over the future (Daniel 4:32).
Although it does also offer questions in regard to the purpose of the creator.
It also offers the real possibility of a new world without suffering although also questions on how that would be obtained or the purpose of the very real suffering in this...precursor environment ?
Although to be fair it was created to be perfect before the snake came and corrupted it.
To be honest I know biblically you shouldn't ask but maybe its because god loves us all. Yeah its all real because its not real in a way. We are a created thing.
Matthew 10:31 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
It has recently come to my attention that some people think I am claiming to be Jesus. Apart from one time when this first started where I told someone in the church that I was some son of man character I think. I have never claimed to be Jesus and am very much human and quite frankly struggle to try and meet his expectations. I have claimed to be sent by him or been a messenger for him. (see lyrics for Crazy Gnarls Barclay)..
The joker sang for the king and queen. As the king was looking down the joker stole his thorny crown.
So Don says I did.
I would add I also do a few songs about coming out of the sea in revelation a number of things come out of the sea none of them good.
On the left is a video I did from 2016 it starts out with the room being the one occupied by the devil in solaris and ends with this.
Indeed when I was young I remember my mates taking me to a church and the minister placed his hand on the top of my head and something recoiled inside it was a bit weird at the time. There was also an incident at the green man where I kind of turned into something as well it was deeply unpleasant.
In fact Iim not sure people realise how unpleasant it can be for the individuals involved. The last thing I want to do is mess with peoples emotions or make life more difficult for them than it is already.
So much as I liked the love story to save the world and I really hope there is one. I never thought it was us against god on the contrary it was meant to be us against satan. Maybe I'm wrong but I think we may live in a dualist reality (the rest is just a construct ). Its kind of a bold thing to say and believe me when I say my first reaction was go down the John Lennons imagine route and quite frankly still find it slightly authoritarian but the voice I have is gently encouraging it is my own will that largely doesn't like being told what to do.
However you can't fight your creator you just have to hope that he loves us.
Although I am aware of the many devotees of miltons paradise lost.
I would also question it because there are genuinely evil forces out there but they can often look benign on the surface.
But I wouldn't go so far as world without well a bit of depth.
As well as a world full of rich and different cultures.
The bible says that he is coming to save us as does the voice in my head.
Not that I am unaware of "do you believe in god above if the bible tells you so".
It does ? Clearly the song questions that.
So to be honest I don't know what the train is.
Great song this train is bound for glory rosetta tharpe.
Also there is a repeated motif of the train being an evacuation before the rise of racism and war.
What this all translates to in the "(not) real world" I don't know that either.
If anyone has any ideas feel free to add them in the comments.
Nor am I unaware of the quite frankly terrifying "lets blow this thing and go home" on the refugees video.
I will also add that things were going down a bad path before I started doing these videos and songs. They have had so few views that I don't think there is anyway they could have caused it.
Not that at the time I had any choice I developed a strange illness and in fact did the lamplight video while off work. The voice seemed happy and I made a quick recovery. The voice was always keener on the songs rather than the videos the videos are bit antichrist or at least the other side but they were more my thing I always wanted to do videos the voice more the songs although it was fine with the videos for the songs.
So wait on the Lord ?
Following satans path leads to nuclear destruction.
That's what I am here to say.
I don't know whether its a deception.
Obviously I don't want to be the devil maybe the easy option for me is to say nothing.
I will also add I hope I didn't cause this latest outbreak. You can drive along way across a desert with the promise of water on the other side (or a train).
The occasional rather human wish to be in a loving physical relationship seems hardly the worst thing in the world but I have commitments maybe I should learn not to just idly think things.
Many times I've practised various songs and gone down to the odd open mic I even got halfway through man at the station once but most of the time I bottled out. It was always a bit weird.
That time it was just quiet I probably wouldn't have done it had the old guy not wanted somebody to do a 3 bar blues. I guess Don Mclean would have had to have gone back in time and rewritten the song if I didn't for 10 years no make that 15.
Anyway wherever we all end up I for one will be writing a strongly worded complaint.
I would also like to add I am not making this up firstly why would I what's the point. I have lived most of the lines of American Pie there are people out there that know that. The second time around when everyone was exorting me to get up and play something a friend of mine who also fancied the same girl did get up and play and briefly got the girl. I saw him at a gig a month or so after and couldnt resist the urge to say "There must be some kind of way out of here" he did kindly speak but I don't think he responded with the correct line. (he calls himself eagle by the way there is a possible biblical connection ).
Maybe though all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew me.
This stuff all happened in reality I was aware of it largely at the time and just didn't know what it meant and I would have given quite a lot to make it go away. As I say as well and maybe I'm trying to excuse myself but it didn't seem to matter what I did I always ended up following the songs.
I did love them all too I saw Sarah years after just randomly at a fete thing and my legs just went from under me everything I ever did really the house the job I was motivated by her I always lacked self motivation well at least early in my life .
That was half the problem how you were supposed to date someone when you feel such a sense of love that your brain feels like its melting its just impossible. I remember saying to sian when I'm struggling to say something wouldn't it be great to be in a book because you know you get writers who write better lines for you but I was thinking like serendipity not revelation really.
To be honest its their side that I have been a bit mistrustful of something in the eyes although I have seen love in there eyes its one thing and quite comforting to have their friends singing you love songs. Its quite another when its Pink in your local supermarket it seems a little... "False".
If it sounds like I am moaning not at all I have had a blessed life in fact I only wish I'd done more. Apart from the flying thing which I do have to admit is a well not particularly nice most of the time. Ive just dedicated a small amount of time to write songs a week and enjoyed it. I just get a gentle nudge occasionally if I've been neglecting it. What else would I have been doing watching Netflix ?
My recent intervention I was on a bus a person that I care about (I think it was her) got on and yeah I'd heard things and I'm not one to be judgemental but anyway she was making strange noises. There is evil in this world and it can possess people and use them. So I did the song I saw her again a week later and she was completely different so good, job done that was all. I am not sure what left there is to do.
I am only too aware that I don't know enough about this to be taking any action I still don't know who the sea are even although it onset look good for them.No idea who they are though.The reason I have to take some action is I know that the only reason they've come down so to speak is because they are waiting for me to die before they start up again. God if it was a love story on my part that ended long ago or well at least its complicated which is kind of a lie I was just feeling a bit hurt when I wrote it. I kind of thought they were going to find some sort of replacement. You could do with someone. So anyway when I die either all hell is going to break loose or its going to herald a wonderful change. Obviously I would hope for the latter but I very much think that whoever believes that is being conned.
All these songs and films foundering on such a simple thing. When the films were suggesting I find a new life with the girl on the bus of course I preferred them. The thing is me and the mother in law have spent over 10 years fighting dragons of a different type I always thought that was why I was placed there. I was good at it too. When you fall in love with someone its difficult to hide especially if its not your wife and while I will admit to some reluctance to abandon the somewhat comfortable financial shelter we had it was mainly her mum. Maybe if I had of left Michelle would have calmed down and been more loving to her mum which she can be but she's quick to anger so its tricky.
Of course Michelles world is going to feel shattered and of course to an extent she gave me the freedom to do all of the videos and songs. In Even if she then denied me the freedom to actually play any of them. She's got a point would you let your husband spend hours at night writing love songs to someone else.
From my point of view I did such a bad job of it last time I really hoped that this time I would be better. Although II may have learned a little bit about song writing I never seriously studied it or music even I would learn a new scale play about with it for a week then have completely forgotten it a week later.
The only answer I could come up with second time around was together but she wasn't keen then so yeah I feel for the 3rd person as of course I couldn't this time the voice told me to jump. It was me how could I.
If I am directly addressing my lifetime other so to speak. Of course I am more than delighted about your recent change of heart. Forgive me for being slightly suspicious after 2 decades of the stone ponies different drum. Also considering who you were.
Over the decades I have experienced a gamut of desire intense love mistrust wariness concern. I do not want anything I have stood in open mic nights with hate projected from every angle and yet it would seem I am now the one accused of aggression.
So I've been here before everybody with crosses 3 days later back to bulets. Like your fervent anti Brexit stance which I share although curiously your previous incarnation got her people to vote for. I can see them as you know.
I have only ever wanted what is best for you and hopefully the world although as we know that is the puzzle we have been working on.
It is after all the entire point of my existence even if in the words of Leonard Cohen.
" He tried his best it wasn't much".
Thanks Leonard for the praise.
Im sorry If I myself had truly known my role I guess I would done things differently. Im sorry but there was always a bit of me that thought it was mental illness. I sought help from many people and they all treated it as mental illness or something to be discouraged..
So I am sorry for being a disappointment. I have always been aware of my limitations in life and trust me this is not a role I would have taken on if it had been advertised.
I am just a little cog in a bigger picture but yeah I know its not pleasant for you and I still feel its my fault. I would frankly just love a hug and not because a film I watched last night told me to. I did give sian a hug once so maybe I've already had it. I am so sorry and yeah forgive me occasionally I do get a wee bit annoyed with the narrator some plot lines can seem a bit cruel at times. I don't mean for me by the way.
As for keys that's the biggest joke trust me nobody gives me a key unless they want it lost.
PS avoid my wife I would really hate forth both of you for her to become the greatest threat to humanity.
I found some old songs the other day I've run out of space on Soundcloud so just put them into a video. I'm not trying for anything there just very old songs.
To be honest I don't really know who there about anymore.
Just to clarify I still believe in Jesus Christ and his return just 12 years ago when this first (second time never realised anything first time). I firstly tried to go and talk to her down in London it didn't happen I thought I would probably get arrested for stalking or something. IBut it was a weird world like something out of a nightmare. Yeah the downs are hard although I suspect not as hard as yours. Yeah I've been on a Paris tram and something came over the tannoy mentioning diablo everybody looked at me and laughed (I wouldn't have minded but it was me that told them I probably was based on the "come up and see me make me smile"). Yeah that trip I tried to wander into the sea until it swallowed me but to be honest I barely got up to my chest before turning back. I'm glad I did.
Yeah a week later going back to work fixing computers although I did go 3 days a week which is why I ended up losing my house.
IIt becomes easier never easy but easier. Excepting gods spirit gives you some defence. You don't have to walk around like the Lady white adder in Blackadder its gentle you can still have a drink watch bands its fine. For all I know I could be just spilling this out to no one or some superhuman hyper brain who's only interest is the devouring of souls or whatever. or like the film her someone who reflects the desires of each different individual. I don't know though to me your the intriguing beguiling women on the bus who I suspect is just trying to work out what part she's been given and what her choices are. I could be wrong lets face it if you are the former I'm hardly going to outfox and defeat you with some clever cunning plan am I.
If you are the later though I will try and do everything I can I'm spread pretty thin at the moment and well its a difficult situation. Its scary stuff though what I wouldn't give to get round a table and discuss it but for some stupid reason this doesn't seem to be the way its setup.
So we come to cold comfort for change. So ok I don't think the communist revolution is practical or would win. It is also a war so... However there is a third way I've touched on. I've no idea how you would do it but yeah you leave Babylon. A simple planning change maybe (how very neoliberal) relaxing planning for zero carbon developments. Struggling farmers could then utilise some of there land maybe near existing cities for zero carbon communities. It is now easier than ever to install basic drainage and sewerage working with nature using a mixture of modern tech and traditional methods. They would be dwellings using a mix of methods and use research from around the world to be totally zero carbon using tech to be cheap to build no roads just access to a communal carpark a stony field maybe. They would offer an alternative form of life. Communal hall, medical centre The ability for some more entrepreneurs to setup businesses with very low overheads. Communally owned energy resources etc. No idea how you would start such a thing. It would though give a sense of hope and there must be lawyers architects etc out there seeking the same thing. If you could somehow pull them all together it could become self propagating. As people bought into the idea and bought properties or made contributions it would bring in capital to expand. Biblically see exodus (Bob Marley not Old Testament). Personally while not an uber capitalist I do have stuff I also don't quite have the sort of money to even contemplate such an undertaking although I do keep looking. I would love to do it though.
I keep going to gigs where people are hoping that soon things will be better because they are going to get rid of christ... There's a lot of idiots out there. We all know which book were in and which part and I have no doubt that It won't change anything but..the glory and luxury she gave herself. In her heart she boasts, ‘I sit enthroned as queen. I am not a widow; I will never mourn.’
I have added a new page called the attic sessions with some live playing.
Over the years I have on odd occasions googled my exes to be honest I don't have many and I'm sure everybody does it. Not obssesively just you know every couple of years. To be honest most of them had very little digital footprints unlike myself who has somewhat lit myself up like a beacon partially deliberately although I always thought I was shielded from general view by more famous composers namesake. Anyway to cut along story shorter Sarah very little Sian the odd thing she seems to be doing well at a training place for underprivileged kids. I think after a while she did move back to Sheffield but I never saw her I don't think. It was kind of comforting to know she was ok even if I didn't really know that. I tried again about a year or 2 ago and she was missing from where she worked hopefully she went on to other things but there was blotchy photo of her with the peaks as the background and good god my heart ached funny really just a few blotchy pixels in a thick coat . Its just crazy we are such unlikely individuals for anything really and well lets face it she never professed any kind of real interest but well it is what it is.
So yeah the world its too big a concept I don't know and OK it is my fault I should have given up smoking 15 years ago but it was hard very hard and maybe we just get what we deserve.
But I just want to know that Sian and Sarah are ok and Marian and I really hope that the line in my song the return of the king " I caught your eye in a half smile I'm glad your here I'm glad we all made it" I really hope that's you.
In the song American pie there is still the line the father son and Holy Ghost they caught the last train for the coast.
Can I just add and you may choose to believe it or not but I'm not actually plugged in to whatever your all plugged into. Despite the fact that is me doing the songs I don't actually know you know. What I mean is I don't know who's won who lost who's fighting. What for ? Where it all went wrong ? was it the gnarls Barclay song ? I had like an hour free the previous day I thought I needed to play 3 songs I didn't have time to learn any new ones. I've played that one before the chords are easy ok its a bit all guns blazing but the open mikes at the time had gone a tad well satanic. I do apologise for the time earlier on when even though my options were still limited I didn't really want anything to do with it. Always remember in amongst this story the characters are real people with real lives that they have to juggle. It's something I think about constantly and I hope that they've got supporting people round them even if I can't although I'm fairly sure they wouldn't want me to.
I don't mean that lightly in April the 5th 2009 only 2 months out of the mental unit I used to get a daily poem sent by email they would be write songs. At first I had been optimistic by that time I was frankly terrified and unwell. I got an email that told me in poem form that I had lost the world. Crazy thing some people think it was about control no it was about the world ? Can you imagine what it feels like to be informed that because you weren't brave enough to play a song at an open mic that you personally have killed everyone on the planet.
So I apologise for being a bit distant since then.
Yet I let it happen again I w
Mind you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely.
Im married and I made a promise and its not expired yet.
I can be a friend but I don't know how to talk to you ?
The highs and the lows sometimes falling for no other reason than some part of the story ticked. Sometimes it seems a bit unfair.It was a long time ago but its something you don't forget.
I've been working on a animated feature film I always wanted to do proper animation just the entry is quite expensive so I've not done it to be honest its a rubbish story However it occurs to me I've been spending all this time and I was probably better off doing something else. My stories are all sad tales that have a habit of coming true. At one time I did consider that I might be in a strange reality where I was writing my own storylines but I moved on from that. Anyway to cut a long story short do you write ? If you wrote me a story and we both know it would have to be short. I could attempt to animate it ?
It might be a fun thing to do ?
PS I think the email forwarding has stopped from this site if I ever set it up.
I think I also owe an apology for back in 2009 when I might have promised it would be the solar century or something along those lines those songs were desperate last minute written things where I was genuinely at the time trying to save the world. Remember in 2008 we were all trying to do our bit the Labour Party had commissioned 20gb of nuclear to be built by 2025 we were all insulating our houses people were cutting back on plastics use. I thought there was a chance we might be on a trajectory to make it to 2040 and then we would be able to do pretty much everything with solar you know growing efficiencies and things. I may have been wrong even on that trajectory but that is not the trajectory we took. I wasn't an expert I felt uncomfortable being asked but at the time I didn't think I had any choice. I am also fully aware of what character that casts me as.
This is cruel and heartless for both of us. I don't know what happened everything was fine last Sunday now everything's wrong and I'm a heartless bastard . I am not trying to play the victim or anything I just dint actually know what happened. Van Morrison said take the train you know there's the peace train half the songs in the world say take the train. The only outlier is that video I did. I really don't know you know 15 years ago ask people I got on the train then freaked when it was a tad satanic then got off the train then I think I was back on it and the world didn't look any different until Brexit happened . The night before the Brexit vote happened there was a strange sensation in the air as though something evil was afoot. I felt it the same before Thursdays election so I was quite tense before the exit polls and was so relieved but then Friday afternoon I felt a change. I don't know what happened but for all I know it could have been you. Although yeah Ive always been bothered by the just like heaven, look out honey because he's using technology. I guess I'm the bad guy again but I tried so hard to be the good guy for you you know at least I thought so. Everything seemed good last Sunday normally there are signs if I have to something and to be honest I did see an Alison Kraus song about the devils train but other than that there were no signs that I should play. I wish someone would tell me what I win as far as I can tell a long and miserable existence. To be honest I thought it was going to be a short time and you know I didn't think there was much point in me if I'm dying anyway. We are both victims here I get painful marks along my arms I think I'm dying as per the story. Then I'm not !
Jesus comes in which is quite an experience then he goes then I'm just a normal angel or whatever then bad guy again maybe although I've not felt like it so far although I have been feeling a bit off for the last couple of days but I'm confused why. Ive had the odd drink but I don't think I was under instructions not to.The gnarls Barkley was literally one I've done before I had 20 minutes I know I Have joked about it but we seem to be both in a shit story. If you think I like this I hate this. Try casting your mind back to when you saw me on the bus around Christmas a long time ago now that look in my eyes,. Up until that point I wasn't sure I totally believed that story.
Its horrible to be in and I know it is for you too although I'm not totally sure about your experience. I'm stumbling around here and to be honest I'd mostly given up on the thing I always wanted which was just a nice loving relationship I thought that had gone long ago I have seen you face to face and you didn't give the impression of someone who was particularly interested at the time to be honest I'm just looking for the exit or well I don't know the point of least damage to everyone.
I really cannot express in words that normal people would understand how much I didn't want to be in this situation again.
I do wish there was a way we could talk without the whole world knowing.
Way back then though my soul was quit drawn to you know to the warmer funner aspects I found having satan rip through your soul distinctly uncomfortable I'm not sure he was attacking me or whatever. It really was that Jesus was the better boss tough but fair. I thought I'd never left but as you say this strange switching thing is as bewildering and unpleasant to me as it must be confusing for you. You know it doesn't feel like me it feels external although I do have to say when I do win the people that are pleased are well to be honest not my sort of people. I genuinely didn't want to do this I may have idly wished for something I don't know but not this.
In case you are wondering while I wouldn't abuse the privilege your fine either way evacuated or otherwise me I might be staying but I do get my soul back in the end.Its funny how casually people treat there souls Jesus is worth knowing you know. I'm still a bit baffled what I did wrong there was a video but I missed the encouragement to sing I thought I was down and supposed to stay down which I did. The loves not fake either It can be a bit stop start as you know yourself. We really are just actors in this story and I know I would say that as the bad guy but I have been the good guy too. Maybe in the original many years ago when I did we just need to rise above and just love that would have worked. There must be a temptation to do good things with power personally I'm going to channel my inner Frodo I'm trying my best to do what the bible boss says if it is the bible boss ?
I never lied to you you know I was always very honest you've been the bad girl its not something you'd choose.
How are you at the moment.
I really hope I can get past it in the past it was a temporary thing and what I think is god is saying I didn't really do much wrong so hopefully. Look I know you don't trust me and believe me when sian turned into the person with the snappy thing and shout songs at me in shopping centres it was a little intimidating so I didn't entirely trust her.
By the way just because I am now as it appears the devil I'm still not sure Boris Johnson is entirely off the hook.
What do you think we should do ?
I would add I did at one time consider it was a test to try and stick to the human angle as equal parts light and dark but there was quite clearly dark and it was very dark.
Mind you I am not unaware of the slightly weird situation re mountains and seas in the end of the bible.
Look I'm not trying to get anything from you its fine I have my own path to follow my own pit to get out of again and it must be my fault I didn't think we were fighting in the end to be honest I don't know. You will be fine but I wish someone would tell me how I could have done it right I'm married maybe I should have never sung those songs all those years ago but would it have made any difference. I certainly could have been braver I guess cowardice can be a form of cruelty. I knew you were lonely and I so wanted to do something but I didn't know what.
It would never have worked you would have come in saying "You moron !"
and I do the dishes would have been grumbling "Well you made me !"
I really did just want the walk on part but I just never knew what it was and I know you tried hard to try and show me but I thought it was to just get married but I was already married. Thank you for all that you did I know you don't believe me but I was working hard but it would seem on the wrong thing and its all wasted now. My fate over the years has always hung on such small moments a party I didn't go to or an uncleaned room that it should be intertwined with the fate of the world is so very cruel on everyone.
I guess I should have seen it I was just busy I really didn't want to win I'm not sure how I would have felt about you winning I just thought we had stopped fighting.
Ive been so obsessed by the story and everything that I've lost sight of what a dick I've been.
I never got what it actually was until its over.and it was real and really important and I knew I have been told to pack in my job and live on the streets singing songs about Jesus I think I was told that before and I never ended up doing it.
It's alright I think your excused.
Although it is quit hard now going back to work especially in IT.
My videos and stuff I thought it was prophecy did I create it that kind of horrifies me.
Im sorry but there is something off about me there are times like yesterday where it was a better day than the other one I have a touch too much pride Iby which I'm not saying I enjoy any of this. There are all sorts of indicators that I am the bad guy and yet I am told I am not and yesterday I felt like the good guy. You might laugh but I've always been uncomfortable with being the main man I kind of notice women too much I don't dwell on it too much I assumed that was normal human behaviour but well biblically its a no go. Its an entirely different thing to the people you love but you know when I'm told I'm the main man it disappears but its often brief. There are times I've cried a river over this terrible situation but then other times I feel quite cold. I feel like someone else is pulling my emotional strings in a way its weird. I just wanted to let you know because it would appal me if I was the search and destroy but I';m not sure I'm not. I am trying to pull myself up to be better and god is intervening. The crushing uneasy body enveloping feeling is something I have had before and didn't really want to repeat. How are you ? I would love to go for a coffee but the way things are I would be scared that it would reveal you in some way.
I don't know it might have been me I never used to really talk much about it to my parents but because I've been so ill they've asked and I told them the odd thing nobody ever believed me before but I get the impression they do now. Rather than change there behaviour it's a bit different.
I don't know id love to be able to actually talk rather than all this ... I'm still bewildered how I won is there anything I can do I thought it was too late in April not that I ever knew what had to happen before then but I'm sure you did
Anyway yesterday fine eyes today I'm back with the shifty eyes as far as I tell for no reason. Yesterday I had written in a song as great event not sure what the reality was I went to see if you were at work you weren't I walked home.There's alot else going on as well as .I'm sure you do.
I think its fading a bit now as well how is it for you ?
Its not really a sexual love you know while I'm not saying there isn't an attraction its more of a protective love. I remember with sian she was surrounded by people but she looked vulnerable and they were kind of pimping her out you know. It felt like they were using her of course that was before any of the flying thing.
I'm not afraid to meet you (apart from being ..well a bit of a disappointment ).
I just have no idea how.
I knew I used to joke about it but it does genuinely seem to be a camping thing when I joked about it earlier. I have commitments you have commitments it seems well a little crazy. Sometimes I used to think they were tests in some way if you have responsibilities abandoning them seems hardly godly.
Anyway I'm sure you'll be glad but I might give this a break for a while after I had crashed out of uni when I was young a worked for a year as mild mannered janitor in a hospital I went to Manchester and picked up this great Hong Kong fuel t shirt but was always too embarrassed to put it on and the one week I did there was another guy with the exact same t shirt so......
Phew how's your week been ? I seem to have succumbed to some crippling tiredness where by I get up do something for 2 hours and then feel wiped out I've had it before usually if I got something to do but to be honest I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing now. Sorry I don't feel like I'm dying but you know it is in all the songs and my songs and in the album covers so but obviously that was a personal fear 15 years ago. Not so much now but yeah I'm still not sure whether its a good thing or a bad thing for everybody.
Just to reiterate I know I am not Jesus primarily because he doesn't come back till the end and not as a bloke doing computers for the council.
The other one trickier but then we have a strange tangled connection on that one which is in the songs but not in the bible so I don't know on that one its a bit smoke and mirrors.
I still have the distinct impression that like the film her that this entanglement is any way unique.
Yeah of course I know who you are I may be a moron but I'm not that much of a moron. However its a bit like the Casandra complex probably for the both of us.
I told people last time and nobody believed me.
I also wasn't sure whether it was you as an individual I was fairly sure it was you being oppressed by your master and as far as I'm concerned any cause that pimps out nice young ladies for its cause is the wrong cause. I remember early on by the chip shop (I'm sure there's a guy there swears he's Elvis) dungarees nice patterned jumper. I thought she looks nice and a little bit lost. I have to admit you had a reputation that meant a guy would be a little bit weary of dumping all that he had to pursue but I was intrigued but I was married and I guess that was a disguise ? As I've said before I'm convinced my only role in any of this was to be your supportive husband I feel uncomfortable with the predictions and any ruling its just not me but that was years ago.
I also wasn't sure whether we were both just angels who got up too late for the meeting so by then all the good roles had gone.
But lets face it a long life was never written out for me. I don't know as Leonard Cohen so aptly put it "he tried his best it wasn't much".
I should have taken the whole thing far more seriously but even then I read one or 2 books a year I've always been bit well slow.
So it is what it is. Actually I think I had a good life.
What was my job though and I should have done it better you know for everybody.
Are you ok ?
I just wanted to say I have felt well different its happened before ... but I'm feeling better although there are issues. I rather thought my destiny was with an arrow (how very romantic "A cold steel rail"). Not sure who the shooter is as such. I was at some point looking forward to a pour the whisky or the gin moment but. Additionally the "matrix" has been glitching really badly recently its a strange world years ago I told a psychiatrist that I wished I could take the other pill and he says but we haven't given you any pills !! yet. It's a dangerous concept though the idea that people aren't real although the idea that some npc characters use less processing could account for reform voters ?
However Jesus as a powerful refining subroutine I kind of still like that one. There is still far more to know about the true nature of reality than what I had previously thought was it and well lets face it time is an issue.
You may know it all already ? or not who knows.
Look I will admit it feels a bit frying pan into the fire lately. When my commitments with Michelle end I am leaving her. To be honest I am bit fearful as we are friends and I have a cheap roof over my head. However she is the person who if you say Im going out for the evening in 3 months time she will do things like well there's no point in taking nice food up to her mum because you won't be able to in 3 months time. I am not trying to defame her character she has many good qualities but its something I'm not prepared to live with . She may accuse me of being a narcissist for it. I don't think I am. So I don't know ?
As you know old Cilla in the sky well its not tinder is it ? not that I would know but you get one date every 15 years you have to try and maintain order between the forces of good and evil and then they usually wander away muttering how rubbish you are. Maybe that's a call for me to be better.
Maybe I am and I am a shy person and you know your a beautiful young lady and maybe you know it and I'm still the OLD gawky IT guy.Hopefully you've got a lot of friends with regards to the cosmic order I did initially try the middle road but I was too weak I needed gods strength. You maybe stronger than me. The reason I have been upset is you know "don't carry the world upon your shoulders". I didn't want this and well its not easy is it.
For all I know their are a thousand guys who think they have the world on their shoulders but I suspect not.
Of course I am suspicious though if you were in my position you would be ?
Don't worry you have nothing to fear from me. My wife well lets put it this way seems to have a part in this kitchen sink drama of ours. She's got a lot on her plate at the moment. If only I could split myself apart !
I tried hard within the constraints I had I am sorry I had to leave you on your own for so long and believe me I AM not chasing you. I want you to be happy that's all. I wanted to be happy too but that is less important. I have always been straightforward about my situation and what I could and couldn't do. It hurts to be accused of emotional manipulation (maybe in Sians time but I was scared and the pressures were heavy). Anyway relax enjoy yourself I'm sorry ok I really am.
If you ever wanted to talk you can text me on oops wrong number that's Michelles mines is 07926 094897.
I'm OK you know its all narrative a long time ago a lovely lady did a compilation for me ? Well she was too shy to say it was for me it had the song never had a prayer by the golden virgins on it. What she didn't know was I would have done anything for her I came this close to jacking in my job and moving down to London that's how I felt although the narrator was probably even then throwing in the odd curve ball.
I'm patient I guess I've still got work to do though not on a Sunday of course.
Are you OK.
I know we both know the moment has passed I thought awhile ago but I never did really have my finger on the pulse. Looking between the lines I would appear to have a different destination before my current commitments are up anyway.. So I am sorry hopefully you are back to being yourself again and I am back to being Mat personally I much prefer just being myself. I think I would have been good at doing the school run taking out the trash etc.Although I've not done much of that recently it has to be said. I'm not sure whether there are bins in heaven its definitely vegan and there are no guns so sounds good to me. Although I am finding the vegan thing good for slimming because there's very little you can eat other than nuts. In another life I would have liked to swap recipes or even cooked you a meal but it wasn't to be.
when I was 19 and definitely an atheist I wrote a poem the 4th ages of man the usual 3 ages stuff but I then added the 4th age is the best where we get to burst the bubble and begin again. Something like that anyway which is hope for us both. As for why ? As I've said before I don't really know you only have to go to the park to see all the families loving each other the pony tailed guy in his 60s taking his wife with motor neurone disease into the wildflowers on a hot day. I don't know.
My original premise that it is satan that hates people and seeks to destroy them all and it was meant to be us against him. Was that wishful thinking.
All you can do is try and soften your heart and take each day as it comes. My heart hardens at times jealousies mistrust but if you just let it go it doesn't eat away at you I guess look I also know your not 5 I'm probably pitching this bit low !
Primarily because people are destroying creation he is going to sort it all out its just a shame that people hate him so much.
The h bombs they seem to be attached to me I think so if I'm not there.
I would hope that people would change there behaviour when they know but that doesn't seem to be happening.
I'd love to know your thoughts ? Are you ok ? is your lad ok ?
Its a bit like a live book reading and we are just the actors how much we can change the story I still don't know. Maybe that also is wishful thinking.
Don't be depressed I think wonderful things are beginning to happen and may be happening soon it may just be that wishful thinking but good for everybody and the earth.
No I haven't been smoking anything either and there is nothing to fear the god of creation who loves us all well he can do anything.
I don't think I'm lying although it requires patience all in gods time as they say. I've been giggling away to myself today as it occurs to me that this kitchen sink drama has more characters around us with parts to play. I do have to say given that it is revelation and everything this low budget version we seem to be in can make you laugh at times.
How are you feeling ?
The thing that puzzles me still is I can do my songs but you seem to be expecting me to make the call as such which I can't do because its not appropriate and I am already married so yeah that's tricky.
I saw you today I tried to make good eye contact maybe you didn't notice me maybe you didn't want to which is fine. I didn't walk past gawping that would have been a bit weird. Mind you we are strangers really like the ghosts of pea video. Though we may meet again under happier circumstances who knows
I always thought it was the most tragic song slim slow slider the bit at end where he says I don't know what to do especially so and that is true.I know some of the story and I'm sure reading between the lines so do you. So does the story stop if we don't go on with it ? That's not the only tragic eventuality either If you believe its a tragic story of redemptive love with a metaphysically happy ending If you don't believe its just a tragic story.
So what to do sit here watching both our hearts break maybe its already too late for that. Practically I need all my money at the moment for a supporting commitment that I am assured ends at the end of august there is then another months wage to afford an annulment then I would be looking for a bond. Maybe my illness that hasn't even been diagnosed yet will take me before Christmas this year maybe next ? I have suggested breaking my commitment (not marriage another commitment) to Michelle and I get a violent and dangerous reaction that is worrying. I really don't know what to do.
I feel I am cast as the fool in this story I do believe in the redemptive power of love deeply but then so did Gatsby.
I don't mean to make light of the situation but the writers have really jumped the shark on this one.
I'm trying to take a sad song and make it better but I really don't know how ?
I am of course mindful of my responsibilities to everyone not just yourself you know I really want to go for a coffee and be able to look you in the eyes because this is becoming a mockery of love. Do I still need to make the call as such or are we beyond that ?
I haven't written the song yet and knowing the way this works it will I don't know go dry.
As I say I don't know what to do. its not a game to me and it never has been.
With regard to the bible while I would love some of the things I am proclaiming about the nature of Jesus to be true you know I have my doubts. Not that Jesus is real I am totally convinced of that but is what In am saying biblical ?
Mind you the joker sang for the King and Queen. We all have to play our part though.
The other crazy thing is I already know its a tale of redemptive love and I used the song gigantic which in one sense could be interpreted as a big love in another sense maybe something else curious choice.( Don't worry I do see a good end for you but you have to try )
You have got to have hope and don't think for one moment I think that the world doesn't have some serious problems ahead of it but even if you weren't a believer you would still think you would need a miracle to sort them out. That's what I am expecting a miracle.
If it's you with the Manchester by the sea I would love to do lunch easier during the week at work in town. No idea how I arrange such a thing do I have to beam the bat sign into the clouds or something or you could teams me ?
I'm sorry it was flippant comment not a slur.
LookI've spent my entire life in this shit story I'm not saying all the times have been bad.
But all the feelings are real the love the downs the highs the things entering and leaving your bodyListen to this song " I" wrote over 9 years ago and neither of us are stupid enough to not know who's point of view its written from.
Forgive my genuine excitement that my death might actually mean something.
I don't want to cheat on anybody or anything I just wanted to you know break the third wall on this thing and just sit down and chat like normal people and you know forget the war for half an hour or so.
Forget being the man who sold the world or whatever other crap people are accusing me of being and just ... I doubt know its probably a bad idea I did try may best you know even Leonard said that it just was never meant to be good enough I guess. I didn't write the story I'm just in it.
I think I've said this before just because in the story I was supposed to marry you doesn't mean its some sort of obligation it just means I am either the bastard who leaves his wife while her mother is ill or the bastard who has to watch his soulmate twisting in the fire (which I will add I didn't know that would happen) or watch her being lonely and unsupported while trying to raise a boy on a part time wage in a tough world and on top of that having to go through all this whatever this is. I am sorry I know that's not good enough but I mean it.
My heart has bled for you but you know I'm ok don't worry about me I just worry about you constantly and not for the reasons you probably think anyway we both know there's duality there and a hard gig either way.
I'm not proud of my actions at the start I hope you can understand that I had a certain reluctance you know I used to own my own home and stuff so would I throw myself off a cliff again for love I don't actually know you we've barely talked I didn't know if I didn't it would go down that route again. It did and I'm sorry again although I still can't see the path I could have taken that would have led to that happy ending ? That's why I was so excited about that last song yeah I know it's the easy option for me but at least its probably something I couldn't mess up. From my point of view there are preferable options and I think I have still got work to do before then anyway. How are you by the way do you have friends I hope so. Lovely sunset tonight hope you caught it.
I just looked up some pics of you on Facebook something I don't do very often and I just think god I have lost my mind here.Your lovely too lovely for me Except this song stuff is actually happening.
It is complicated too as the first thing you want to do with someone you love is keep them safe. I don't want to scare you but something around this isn't safe for you. So I don't know still I'm not being a coward I just feel a bit overwhelmed at the possible implications of what in a normal relationship would be I don't know normal.
Can I tell you about the best three months of my life. I moved into a shared house there was a lass called Sarah she had a boyfriend living there.
It was fine we just would chat and watch telly like people did back then. We watched a program called northern exposure a sort quirky better written doc Martin set in Alaska. It was normal the thing was though as we would talk small droplets of well love/pleasure would form at the top of my brain and slowly dribble there way down through my brain and down my spine.
After a while I would rush home to spend time just sat on the settee with Sarah. Anyway we went our separate ways and well I wasn't well for a period. I saw her years afterwards and my legs went from underneath me.
Why am I telling you this I don't know really I've told other people and they just don't get it somehow.
They are full of advice just find someone and love will come that's not love its lust, pull yourself together and get back on the bike all that sort of thing. The fact is that If you asked me would you have sacrificed the rest of your life for another 3 months on the settee watching crap tv with Sarah well it's a close call. You know I've helped a few people out in my time as people do and I don't regret that and I have loved friends and family but its not the same.
Of course at the time I was young and so was she its a bit different now Im an old fat bald man. I don't know what the plan is and I am fully aware that this is probably just a little pleasant hiatus in the story. Maybe I am trying to use you as well just in the hope that I could just sit next to you and once more feel those rivulets of pleasure dripping down my brain. Instead though its the legs going from under me. I guess it's a bit sad really but it is true.
I know you don't feel the same although there is something there, Its even in the sacha's endeavours videos. (I should have used more cats). Its weird its at the very core of who I am and I've never told anyone and now I'm unloading to strangers on the bus. Although not even on the bus on a website. Maybe I'm not alone in this and there are thousands like me
On the subject of work do you know what we are supposed to be doing I was thinking of doing Edwin starts war I still don't really know how that bit works ?
I was thinking of playing tomorrow night 2 of mine the atonement song and armies of love that I kind of thought I wrote about Isreal many years ago now but the lyrics are well as you know but I don't think there's anything wrong with them.
As with all things the lyrics have a degree of duality but I don't want to hurt or offend anyone.
Armies of Love
This dance is ours to take
Held up high until my body aches
You strike your pawn and so protect my night
But the castle won’t save you from the rising tide.
I want to tear you up oh what are we
And what are these armies of love
If fighting is all that they do
You’ve captured the hill and you own the heights
But blood like water flows down to the lakes
See what you’ve done see what you’ve achieved
The land of honey broken and cleaved.
I want to tear you up oh what are we
No shield no breastplatesfor your armies of love
No shield no breastplates for your armies of love
The king has gone no hope of check mate
You can’t go over or under with faith
On that long road to Jericho
Love is the bandage for the thief that awaits
Your burdens are heavy your burdens of fate
When you turn your armies of love into hate
To be honest I'm not sure how we dance together but it would be nice to try sometime.
I wish I did again but there's an edge to it all now I've been here before I won't be again which to be honest there's a bit of me that's quite glad. Was all this because I played babies before midnight or was I just wrong place wrong time again !
I don't know what people are expecting you know I can't make the call I'm already committed. So what am I doing here ? I thought I was just trying to help you out you know because I love you but not in the bumper sticker way. You know that so what is it now ? To be honest I would like nothing better than to just be Mat and just be and help people out in my remaining time and forget the flying stuff. I do care though about what I'll leave behind and that includes you. So..
As for your fan base as before I don't see any real love there I find them arrogant and power seeking do they really care about improving the lives of the poor and needy ? They may be glittery and adept but there's an ugliness underneath it all.
Maybe I am dumb I already know this is a pointless and futile escapade yet I am doing it anyway at least on one level that does make us the same.
I'm going to keep trying though because that's life and I do see hope for you maybe what I see is wrong maybe it's not all scripted I mean I didn't see the last thing coming. I've always ha a bit of a reputation on not giving up on things which to be honest I'm not sure is true. Anyway..
I keep getting brand new colony popping up look you know I would love more than anything to play it. You also know I can't at the moment this is so unfair on you I'm stuck knowing what to do.
Sorry chat again hopefully.
Is it too late in the day to suggest we got together for like an hour or 2 a week somewhere and write songs ? At one stage that was kind of the idea. I know things have rather blown up beyond that and yeah it would be tricky to get past Michelle but she is softening.
Or not you know as long as your OK.
See we were always meant to go up together its just love ``I don't know why everyone's so afraid. The sea is still raging and well for instance I could conjecture that a lot of the Labour Party selected members maybe have been former SWP etc I have heard of one or two but that doesn't seem to be the case with the majority so but if it was that would be the red train. In a couple of years that led to the breakdown and destabilisation of the country a new election and a resurgent conservative reform alliance led by Boris Johnson who promptly declares war to cover over the dire state the country is in and game over. It's a possibility I don't know what you think ? You may know more.
I have friends who are gay and whatever I really don't care I care more about the exploitation and lack of freedom in the modern world and am angered by injustice. That's not to say I would go round putting heads on sticks personally a gentle tug on the rudder to end up eventually in some sort of Scandinavian bliss.
The question is do we need to go up to calm the seas ?
Or would a victory be as in the song a pyrrhic victory which nobody wants.
On top of that I want to know your alright as well I shouldn't say this I like gods fan club there's a real peace yet also a vigour for change and action. As for either of our fan clubs I have to say I'm not a fan they're too eager to judge. I also shouldn't say this either but I have little sympathy for most of your abusers (Ok the relationships complex ) except for Wes he was a nice kid he had a good soul. It doesn't mean I didn't love you I'm just saying I feel sorry for Wes.
Maybe everything is going to be ok now it would be nice but you know American pie doesn't end with widowed bride.
OK so your up great yourself too.
Am I a liar am I satan I don''t know I don't feel like him ate the moment but I've never particularly liked this being somebody particularly its like a shy persons worst nightmare. You could ask God directly and indeed there are odd signs. I don't feellike it though I haven't got the shift eyes but I have had them. As you know we're kind of playing characters here and it would seem to save on the budget we sometimes play different ones. In life I am largely very honest although I do lie occasionally but I usually feel really guilty about it so don't do it very often.
I used to have the most amazing dreams when Imwas young tooo and a bubbly view of the world but it kind of went fairly early on after Sarah when I was 23 or so. How old are you by the way I'm getting to an age where I find it hard to judge.
There have been times when I've been motivated by envy been angry etc I would certainly be uncomfortable with being Jesus at least this time round a minion perhaps.
Strange isn't it that we are sat living like monks which is not so bad in an effort to try and save the people who are out partying. Still it's important work and better than the other side. The dreams that you have may be from another world I would ask. These things take time you know but I know you will get there your a queen after all.
One additional thing when I said god was going to pour his love into the sea these far right rallies wasn't quite what I had in mind. Bit weird ?
Just to add me at the moment I'm just Mat the main man was here but he had to go I don't think it was me it was just you know places to be etc.
I have done a song where I could make the call mind you with continual changes and so little time to write songs its hard for me to pivot so quickly in a situation.It's a bit commanding too I'm not afraid oddly enough I have no fear this time not really in a brave way I just have no fear. Given the whole I am not a widow maybe I should leave it but nothing with good intensions is a waste.
Had a blip last night how are you. I had people calling me yellow again and whatever I'm still puzzled why I tried for an hour or 2 yesterday writing and well there was a song but well. Anyway abandoned it and went for a walk instead you know we both have lives to do as well as our roles. I'm still not sure what's expected of me pawing over you while singing onward christian soldiers while the rest of the world is craning over me shoulder going get in lad for the world is hardly my idea of romantic bliss.
I thought I was just fighting the good fight you know. To be honest once a week is all I can commit to really god knows I don't have that much time.
Its god love anyway and it has aspects of a father who doesn't mind you being popular with the boys just doesn't want to see you get hurt, Hopes that you'll do great things in life hopes that your not lonely and at the end of the day when you've done everything you can hopes you'll come back home.
Increasingly I'm more interested in matters of the spirit than the flesh anyway doesn't mean I'm gay.
I did the songs Thursday it's only Sunday. It is god by the way that's prophesying definitely not the other guy through me I mean I don't do anything I just write the music.
There are people that go into war zones and rescue people so I'm not so big up on what I did which wasn't much really.
Anyway I wrote a new song I haven't recorded it as yet pretty much same as before its all story and yeah at the moment its not great but its pretty good at the end.
Now I have a question for you is the one eyed god the mountain ?
The Summer sun I've set it to music
The summer son
Drifts over September skies
Leaves the earth asking why
The cold of autumn rustles in
And the bed she makes in the fallen leaves
A harbour no one ever leaves
To hibernate till another spring time
A world so young and free
Ageless like the sea
Brought to shore by you and me
Ooh the clouds await
Shivering in a pewter sky
Winter bites like a hungry wolf
Scratching at the door to be let in.
The king sits down by his lonely bed
On the board 2 pieces left
Checkmate impossible to achieve
To hibernate till another spring time
A world so young and free
Ageless like the sea
Brought to shore by you and me
Ooh the clouds await
Shivering in a pewter sky
The creak and groans of the cabin roof
Keeping safe the next years seed
The snow scatters in the fields
The lights flash on the lonely highway
Bring the people to their knees
Absolution achieved
Look its just a poem I wrote its not what I want its what I wrote.
It's frustrating because the story changes and doesn't change so quickly but I'll always do what the lord says because his plans are good. It's the other side that seeks to divide and destroy. God has got this we just need to be patient and I'll keep working at it.
Just to be clear I do not want to fuck you I do not want to force you into a marriage you don't want I just want to save you and not because I want to be the big man just because I want you to be saved because I love you.
We all mess up I don't know what I'm doing I'm just winging it do you think I dont look at the bible and see lake of fire and devils prophet I think it would be highly unfair on all of us but sam your not the devil your the queen.
Its my fault you've had to go through so much shit I know and all I can do is apologise I know it doesn't make anything better and if there is anything I can do to make it better just ask.
Don't get me wrong is this what I would have chosen no to be this in love with someone I would have preferred camping trips to the sea just hiking out and watching the sunset even calling me a moron over the washing up over this because lets face its weird. You know I've tried my best to clear my commitments and let's face it I think I've caused too much hurt for you and you might prefer someone less "soft". I don't think anybody could accus e me of going out of the way to pursue this I don't really have anythiing to gain. I don't know maybe I can't see the answer in front of my face I am probably that dumb.
I'm not saying it would be easy but I'd still love to do lunch sometime.
Ok so another night talk I hope you don't mind.
I apologise for the refugees video I thought with everything going on might have been appropriat but I forgot about the ending. At the time I had considered that it may have referred to me. Look don't think I'm under any illusion that you haven't got a dark side and maybe you've been ragged around by satan so much to think that you've got no soul left maybe you reject the idea that you've got one at all. I still can't see you without seeing your light side and it's such a great light side. You know if I didn't love you I'd still like you I imagine that may piss you off like a little puppy that you keep on kicking and it keeps coming back saying love you more.
I know you picked satans side but I don't think that's you. Who am I to judge I've never had to bring up a child as a single mother in this world or suffer the loss of a partner maybe ? The world can be cruel and harsh and change so quickly. With sian it was like "I am the one and only and there's nobody I'd rather be". I kicked her down I hated doing it I didn't really know any better at the time.
I have been the bad guy had people pointing at me in the street I still have my wobbles but the only way out is to prove to people that you're not that person. Ok its easy for me now but it took along time and I'm not so great I've bought lots of stuff when I probably shouldn't have I've drunk quite a lot of wine in my time and the rest. I'm certainly not holier than thou.
People can be so mean in time it all kind of faded before top occasionally start up again at odd times of crisis. I'm not so sure that's going to happen this time but don't discount the possibility that I may be replaced. Try not to be too down.
Just remember you ARE the queen and your lovely.
Yeah I know you've been feeding information to the "other side" and well your well exploits. I'm sure it has its attractions but personally I prefer a more peaceful life though each to there own.
I'm not trying to force some sort of medieval morality on you I just want to see you happy and I'm not sure how much influence I have with the boss but I think its unfair to persecute you. Not that I myself am immune to.. discipline I just learned along time ago that it was just easier to obey and in the long term more beneficial. There were times when I was angry though. I don't want to sound like self riotous claptrap. I don't know what do you think ? Maybe I excuse a dull life with compliance. It's a tricky area I certainly found it a bit step ford when I first encountered it. Don't ever feel guilty for anything you may have done to me I'm ok you know. At peace ish.
Did I kick you down or were you always fighting for the other side I don't actually know that if I did kick you down I apologise as I said at the time it was just 20 mins oh I'll do that one.
I jdon't want to trap you in some medieval construct I just hope that you find a bit of peace that's all.
here to apologise again I think I am probably a bit too loose lipped for this role the problem of not particularly being afraid of your enemy is you forget what a dangerous bastard they are. I really don't get the attraction so many people have. There was me hoping things might be normal for a bit. Look by the way I know your somebody else's wife don't worry. I could put on my best Aussie accent and go "have you got a sister" but its fine you know.
By which I mean I'm not letting you down I just think you are like the queen you know for the King and I think I'm the joker ,the knight or whatever but not the king very jealous of course and I'll admit there is some weirdness who knows maybe the budget wouldn't stretch to getting another guy in ? I hope so but I don't think so. I keep on getting this wrong to be honest there just characters in a story all I know is I love you I'm a bit old probably too quiet but its just love its not something I feel for everybody its fairly unconditional its just love is the only way to describe if that sounds weird then I guess it is I would give everything to see you happy and I feel frustrated that there's so little I can do.
Just to elaborate I still love the others its diminished a bit but not much it doesn't mean its divided in anyway its the same love if you know what I mean. Maybe it's easy because it never had the chance to grind itself out on the everyday annoyances of sharing a life together. But if they phoned me years later and tearfully said they needed picking up from Paris I would hope whoever I was with would understand but I would be in the car driving to Paris. Now that sort of love is easily exploited and that would be a disappointment but that's all.
I don't think its uncommon just not normally for someone they barely know.
So what now ?
maybe you can tell me what the attraction is with you know satan? If its fear that's sad because there is nothing to fear.
Of course reading through the lines Satan is actually quite weak like the kids at school who would try and get people to fight but when you confronted them were surprisingly weak. I should have confronted this years ago but you see there is always the bit where he spits the dummy out of the pram and blows us all up. Is that real though or just bravado because he knows he's weak. That's why I tend to follow orders now because I may not know all the answers but he does. His message is still fundamentally of peace even against aggression.
Its ok we all have to live our lives as I said "stand by me" its not an order it's an offer.
I am going to leave my wife when I have fulfilled my current promise provided she doesn't try and drag it out further I have been wanting to leave for some time but didn't want to leave her in financial or caring difficulties. It has nothing to do with you I will miss the house and the garden and the things I have done over the years. The £200 bills is nice but the freedom will be worth it even if it is just the freedom to be on my own which is fine.
With regard to my other job I'll do what the boss says to do if he says go I go if he says stop I stop that's what service means its not for everyone but I don't think I have any choice. I will not borrow that James dean coat I'll do what I'm told.
I have enjoyed our little chats and I wish you well..
You know this thing changes hour by hour its bewildering last time I was off work and had little commitments so I could do the open mics this time the only day I can do is Thursdays but your writing songs on Tuesday that are no good by Wednesday. Anyway I'm not moaning I know I'm out of here but don't feel bad for me. I wrote this song tonight. With Sarah I never made the call I didn't know you had to I did give her my number but she never rang.
. I always knew I wasn't the proper king you know and it is all real crazy as it seems and well it does seem crazy. While I am not concerned about you in the end I do have some concerns for you. You know take care and be carefulll enjoy yourself but you really do reap what you sow. Its nothing against you and as I say Tuesday it was you Wednesday its Sarah. I'll try my best not to let you down wherever I am.
I feel I may have over compensated with the name thing
Sarah
Maybe gatsby was right all along
The green light really does get you home
When my boat has beat it’s last
On a foreign shore I beat my path
To your door Sarah
This is my Love song to the other side Sarah
The best of all surprises Sarah
Such a patient bride Sarah
You with the loveliest of eyes Sarah
You With the kindest smile Sarah
Could I just sit a while Sarah
Play like paint scattered on the floor
A hope so large to grasp it all
It was just time that’s all Sarah
I’ve missed you by my side sarah
Take me in and marry me Sarah
For I have laboured long
On this love so strong Sarah
So let’s sit awhile Sarah
It’s so good to see your smile Sarah
my walk on part after all
Sarah
Let’s go outside
And watch the new son rise
Sarah
And watch the new son rise sarah
it might need a bit of finessing but
Are you ok you know it really appals me that all these women that I loved so much have died. I never asked for that I don't think I did anyway.
Sometimes I hate this silly song thing. Still quite though isn't it.
that look in your eyes like a tennis player waiting to be served an ace which I never did. I never loved you less but this old body well. It's the same love at times it poured like a waterfall but it was meant to heal the world I feel I wasted it. I don't know at least I'll finally get to know all the answers. It was just I was already married that's all. Still am.
The new guy will be perfect for you in every way.
I know I may seem mentally ill to you and believe me I have thought that too. The world does not believe in these forces that are shaping our lives in particular but your life hasn't been normal over the last couple of years, I would love to talk to you by a more secure method if you know what I mean not that there is anything to hide or fear just I think you know what I mean.
text me if you want by the way you did notice I've changed the number the first one was Michelles I wouldn't text that one.,
I think I'm on WhatsApp too. Look I'm not here to harm you in any way or mess with your mind but you are valued.
Neither am I going to go all Fields of Gold on you I am a dutiful servant don't worry..
Ok bad things are happening but good things are happening too and great things are going to happen and your part of it you know. Learn to accept your wonder without letting it go to your head if you know what I mean we are all works in progress you've just got to be open minded to let it do its work and believe me I have found that a challenge in my life. It's worth its the end though. It is possible to love really love more than one person. There's more than enough love to go round.
The thing is you see while we can be deceived God can't so...
But like I said if your in trouble you know who to call.
Strange really although not strange the first Album I did I named it first love last rites. As you probably know after a book of short stories by Ian mcewan when he was still a young author. Take care.
Strange all of satans minions ( I still feel weird saying that) seem very happy all of a sudden was it my reluctantly persuaded rendition of the queen and the soldier or my posting of a 30 year old memory on Facebook to be honest I've made so many missteps and whatever I think one thing we definitely have in common is that future history gives neither of us particularly glowing references.
My soul does feel a little tattered and worn it always does when I go into these things.
You must have realised that I don't actually want to "win" as such I'll do my part largely because I have satan talking through my dementia ridden mother in law and he is real. You are separate to him though because he didn't half moan when he lost you. (I've never been totally sure). All these people in thrall to the stamen or whatever. I know him and you know the death threats the abuse the greed the envy its not nice, He's not nice. I believe that many of your problems stem from maybe a long time of abuse from this "power". I ,a sure there are real world abuse as well. Look I'm not a professional you could maybe seek help though work possibly or if your OK that's good. If you're not ok I'll try my best but my options are limited.
In essence my job here was to stop three amazing women falling into the clutches of satan and well frankly I've failed everytime but its not about succeeding its about you.
I wonder why they are so excited all of a sudden. Look I know what you do and to be honest I don't want you to become a monk or anything. I just don't want to see you being abused by these people. Well I don't want to see anybody in pain abusing themselves or others.
You see he does have a plan for all of us bonkers as it may sound he's set me up with my first love how weird is that and I'm dying to meet her again...
Actually I am while sian was always restless don't get me wrong I like going out but me and Sarah always had such comfortable silences you know just being around her felt so comforting and nice. If however I get to the other side and I get the call that you need help. Like I said I'm on that plane Sarah would understand because she would know that I would do the same for her. Hopefully you don't think I'm completely bonkers I'm not sure how you experience your world but mines been like the matrix for a fair while now.
Its late and I'm tired and I've said it before but I'll say it again you are gorgeous you know ,he will be a very lucky man give him a chance I'm sure he was made for you , wonderfully.
It is quite a wonderful thing really to discover that there is someone who sees your every action but not just that but the motivation for it and the purpose. Scary as well because I might look serene but I have and still have many flaws. The ting is when your enemy tries to trick you and they will you get the win they get the loss. To be honest that realisation that everything you do and think is observed is the starting point for transformation really. It can lead to a bit of anger at being observed well its a bit intrusive but it also leads to understanding and growth.
Of course I do realise that I might have been given a period for such proud utterances but I don't think so.
Then if you are feeling bad about this which I do at times there is " For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."
Sorry slackened off a bit a combination of being slightly lethargic and slightly busy. Anyway we know very little about any afterlife apart from it being vegan but I had forgotten the no marriage think previously I had thought this was a good thing for reasons that I am sure you are aware of. However I would have liked to have seen Sarah. Mind you all the songs can't be wrong maybe I'm just going to have to find out. I will just add that I don't actually feel that ill at the moment. Anyway enough of me are you OK.
Well how are you again I'm not sure anyone reads this anymore.
Anyway I'm finally getting used to the idea that I will be a monk till death I'm kind of hoping for some sort of body afterwards because to be honest I still crave some degree of physical intimacy. It is what it is anyway. There's some very sweet young lass at work who is all flashy eyes but to be honest I'm largely oh crap not again.
The thing is though the Frankie goes to Hollywood power of love is not from god it was never about pretty flowers etc there is real work to do. Although I still contend it is spiritual warfare not the same as real warfare but if satan was to win he would try and get trump elected (much to the shock of many of his worshippers on the left ) and end us all. Is that excepted truth now ?
However I have to say I am more sure of my dislike for my enemy although I'm not allowed to judge but I see him as something external and over the years the attempted bribery the death threats and the rest haven't helped my understanding of his cause. However I have an open mind I wonder what plan to restore the world he had ? Anyway I am convinced that change is necessary and that change can be brought about by giving power to those who really care and have a spiritual desire for real change.
Is that what is happening is going to happen.
To be fair I just hand out computers and do the odd song and video that are well not from me. I am pretty solidly of the opinion that they are from god and it's not a trick. Although as I say I am just an IT guy.
I had some old friends ask me whether I would be interested in doing lead for a Fleetwood Mac Beatles abba cover band. I'm like ermm bit of a tall order at my age but been giving it a go I will see how I get on by the end of the week might be fun.
Also I've finished my book Black Butterflies I imagine it's a quick read for most people very moving I would recommend it.
How are you ? Look I didn't mean to drag you along you know and there's no point in me lying about that because I will have to account for it pretty soon. I believe I have always been fairly upfront about the chances of us ever having a "normal" relationship if that was ever anything you wanted. I did once although I have been mired in some guilt because at first we were having a restructure at work I have always seen myself as a bit of a vulnerable adult and I worried about my ability to provide long term in the relationship due to my age and then it occurred to me that probably the rest of your suitors never gave it a single thought. I guess I should have had more faith. Don't dismiss the other guy I know your tough now and good but you know he has a plan and when then another plan. Which often when you look at the story was the plan all along. I don't think I took enough opportunity to change the story when I had the power to do so (if I ever had the power to do so).
God/ Jesus he's a tough boss but he is fair and just.
Years back I used to grumble about free will and if your just doing what your told are you really good or just following orders. However it's not about glorifying yourself it's about glorifying god. Over time it changes you as well in a subtle good way and not only do you do the good work you are given and glorify the lord but you become better as well. I have resisted over the years but now I struggle to understand why In was resisting because it really was the best thing for me and for god and I believe and hope his world.
Don't think I've gone it was all a silly dream and now back to my perfect wife. It was just a job that I couldn't get out of. I should have considered it more before I got into it ? I guess you don't have the waiting 15 years for love thing but you know its along time to be sat in a bedsit starring out the window. It seemed more appropriate to be doing something useful with the time and well following instructions. To be honest I can hardly sit and pat myself on the back because well I could have done more and been better but were all human here.
So you didn't misunderstand my earring of my soul it was just you know the internet that amorphous non specific entity. Real life as you know is more complicated than the fairy stories we tell ourselves. By which I do not mean the bible after all that's hardly a fairy story,
My worst fear is quite simple that I cause a nuclear war because of a bad song choice. You would think that such a fear would be highly irrational and yet ... I guess its akin to DJing at Vladimir Putins wedding.
How are you holding up ?
I guess I shouldn't really joke about it. I'm still not sure whether we are just reporting on events or making them happen. Maybe we have different roles in fact now I'm fairly sure I am last years model. We still have to try and do what we can although the frustrating thing is. What do we have the power to do? If we did have power in what direction should it be applied ?
Me I don't think you can go wrong with the power of love although Phrric victory and the movie Oppenheimer may indicate otherwise but is that just attempted misinformation from the other side.
As you can see its easy to see why you might be tempted to just sing "its only love" by the Beatles than I do with the geopolitical situation that would unfold into the apocalypse . Although I'm sure its a debate we could all add valid information to.
When the main man comes back he's supposed to rule with a rod of iron. Which lets face it will be necessary like I said earlier on you would hope that people loved the world enough to restrict there consumption but how do you enforce love ?
Lets face it take flying for instance people fly way to much to be sustainable even with alternative fuels. However do you say you can't take your family away and what about workers who have families half way across the globe because the rich societies of the world suck in cheap labour from across the globe (as well as educated professionals) . Are they not allowed to see there families ?
When people come to me with there stories of distant holiday locations I just smile and say sounds nice. Have you ever thought your destroying the world would go down about as well as have you ever thought about Jesus although the two are closely related.
You would think that I think people now have some awareness that the four horses of the apocalypse are literally galloping down the streets outside would sharpen peoples minds a little..
So what are the answers frankly I don't know looking at it from a technical point of view prefab eco housing using natural methods to help protect against extreme weather events would be my first priority. Although maybe reducing flights as well. Over time electric vehicles will become more efficient (provided there not all monster trucks) and solar and battery technology will hopefully become more efficient and less damaging to the environment in terms of mineral use etc. However the requirement to heat and cool our homes is one that is not a luxury and will continue to require significant energy use until it's addressed. If we built another 1.5 million homes out of brick it would be a tragedy.
Just to add for genuine reasons I wanted to win before I died I hope you can understand why someone would want that if they thought they were the good guy. Obviously I would be happier with a win after 7 years than 3 and a half for obvious biblical reasons.
With regard to private public I am very much of the opinion that privately run I don't have a problem with but keep public ownership. You might get a contractor in to but a new floor in your kitchen you don't sell him the kitchen. Publiically run is ok too but it can have issues they can both have a place. Personally I think I work harder when I'm working for the people than some fat cat but its not always the case.
I read a quote the other day saying tsomething like the young people will change this world the best thing we can do is get out of there way.
I do agree but as god is real the teachings of Jesus with regard to greed etc and the very real acceptance of his spirit can help guide them in the right direction. Unfortunately satan has spread the idea that christianity is some sort of backward repressive creed but of course he would do that.
Regarding you by the way I do know by the way the same thing as I said happened to sian I was never sure what that was or why with her she was in London so it was all a bit more abstract and she said she was happy being who she was so. With you it was a bit more around me although I only heard odd whispers and rumours I felt sorry for you as I don't think you were valuing yourself as much as you should do. I imagine ithere were fun aspects too but it's easy for these things to spiral out of control. I did act almost as soon as I realised that this was no ordinary thing (although I should have known). You see there's no guilt with Jesus first of all he already knows everything and secondly if he knows your trying to go forward in a different direction the past is well scrubbed out as far as he's concerned.
\Let him without sin cast the first stone...
If you want to know my dreams it has always been to do or create one beautiful thing like at one point I was going to turn my house into some sort of work of art or to say write a song like stand by me and hence the video. Or an action like saving someone's life although I very much thought that was being in the right place at the right time. Although I have realised that is not the case people save peoples lives through lives of constant work and devotion like bringing up a child largely not random acts although that does happen. Anyway one beautiful thing is what I strived to do.
I don't know but I thought we were waiting not training. What is the train though I feel sure you know more about that than I do ?
Just rewatched Being there not seen it in sometime but yeah the whole country hanging on the word of a guy with basically shit for brains. As the bible man kept saying he used the very lowest of the low so they could not boast in themselves. So now the main man has gone your just left with the guy with shit for brains I guess. I'm not going to say it was a nice adventure while it lasted because it wasn't really. I guess the baton has to pass eventually with hopefully more successful results.
Mind you as well as having a degree of poignancy it is quite funny.
Also of course he was being used by the wealthy elite or at least that is what they thought.
Been putting a lot of work lately into learning these songs for a gig end of October if it was the end of September it might not feel like potentially a waste of time. Update is I still don't feel so bad its just painful spots crawling along the other arm now and don't take this the wrong way but a libido that's going through the roof particularly when it comes to young women. That could be quit disturbing from a religious point of view but is a perfectly normal side effect of other conditions. Do you know when exactly in my recent verse the September son left earth however /I was born in September so... still before Christmas probably this year do you think ?
I was thinking of going back to the doctors although there is still nothing concrete to show them.
On a cheerier note how are you ?
If I appear calm its because I've known for quite sometime how I thought this was going to go there is some fluidity but yeah I believe I did say along time ago that I felt like someone who had waited 15 years for a final chance at love only for that to be predestined to not ever happen. Technically back in 2009 I did make "the call" I sang the lyrics to roar of the soul although I had forgotten the tune. However there were many aspects of my life that I had not changed and many of them that I have only very recently changed.
So like I said you reap what you sow I suppose and to be honest I wasted far too much time playing computer games and my porn profile was probably more recent than I care to admit although at the age of 52 it may seem distasteful but when I embarked on this path of chastity I was only 37.
Don't be too sad though /I am on a good promise and everything else has come true so.
There may well be twists in this story yet but I think you are on a good promise too.
Although if I were you I would get practicing those lines "I am not a widow I will never mourn "
Sorry to be honest I didn't mean to joke about it especially as I suspect you may have had a painful background. I can't help the feeling that you are avoiding me as such or maybe in the not real world you are oblivious anyway you are always in my thoughts.
Just checking do you now have direct communication as such or are you still relying on me to some extent.
Been doing some work on my Sarah song trying to turn it into a beautiful thing but given the state of the world it seems a little self indulgent. I'm still attempting to talk to people gently and thoughtfully but I'm not sure they're ever going to listen.
Where do you think we are in the story personally I always thought we were in the comrades 10 last bit where Charlton says it will take more than a man to free the slaves it will take a god. I think we just left it a bit late for our original purpose which we both share some of the blame for. Things are changing too in a good way although we are still pumping out more fossil fuels than ever and the transition hasn't properly started yet. As well as you can't just transition without cutting consumption although that requires a change that could almost be called a spiritual change. What do you think though what's god telling you ?
Of course we've both read the book well at least the end bit so we have a broad overview of what's going to happen but why is I guess the question we are exploring.
Also because I haven't asked for a bit how are you ?
I hope its ok I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve with the songs anymore so its a bit random as I say some I've been asked to learn mixed in with a bit of fun or nostalgia. To think I used to be so scared of getting up there and singing seems silly now.
OK so I've finished the Sarah song although there is no actual mention of Sarah in it now apart from the title. I don't think it's my best although I never particularly overwork these things. My best I still think is rear window which is kind of your song. Anyway its not to really about the songs it again mentions the rains Mumford and sons mention the rains as do Fleetwood Mac. So maybe it is a thing hopefully. Obviously I would love all this to be true and again obviously I have no way of knowing apart from a reasonable track record of being right.
I had been worried that a lot of the lyrics I use describe heaven as being like a garden or a park with lakes etc as some see heaven as a city. However I believe a distinction needs to be made between what Jesus said as paradise using the greek word for park on another world in the heavens. The city often spoken about is the one in revelation that decends from the heavens to earth. To a modern audience that may sound more like science fiction but well it may be narrative we are living but it isn't fiction.
So no contradiction at all as far as I know.
Also it's good news for you because if Sarah is there then it means if you make the right choices you can be too. Well if we all make the right choices in fact myself included.
Without even trying well that's a resounding success only myself to blame I guess. Either they think I'm a nutter or ..they don't think I'm a nutter.
OK so was that an offer of marriage ... seriously ! I suppose I should be flattered after all it was my sole former purpose on earth. Look I didn't come up with this whole say your name marriage thing I really don't know you ... at all I like you strangely and in the same way whether we have the same masters or don't we are still the ones in the trenches. I have to ask with my best mrs merton act "so what drew you to the terminally ill old man as a potential husband". Just as an aside if you have Netflix (are we allowed Netflix ? KAOS is funny well written and just up our street so to speak although I'm always aware of where it comes from. The second episode begins with the everything but the girl track which I guess everyone has someone that track means something about.
I don't know are you really in that much trouble ? If so the boss is the best place to look I'm just an ex host who's story is largely told not that I don't care anymore but we've both changed over the last couple of years I would love to have a normal conversation although I admit I would feel awkward given everything. How do I feel about you well I don't know except to say that at some points I think you may have been afraid of me that I might hurt you in some way. If you knew how utterly impossible that would be then yeah that's what it's like at the moment but yeah I am very much aware that the reverse may not have been the case always.
Also from my small time as actual host it is impossible to describe how much Jesus loves us all it makes our protestations and accusations feel like childish rants of toddlers.
I must apologise for being a bit quieter this month I've got quite a lot to do learn thosevsongs for an October 12th gig so I might just make it clear out my stuff and all the usual stuff of life. My body just wants to curl up and sleep but I've got too much to do all of a sudden as usual should have started earlier.
As an aside yeah satan is a real thing and you can see them all over the media KAOS funny as it is the people rising up against a tyrant god. The 3 body problem defending humanity against an aggressive extraterrestrial threat. It's all lies. Bear in mind satan controls just about everything and his intention is to destroy people and most of all destroy peoples link with God and you will see it everywhere you go. He's the far right and the far left he could even be the centre too these days. When I was an atheist if I encountered people of faith I thought that's nice like people who are into Harry Potter. However now you mention faith and they recoil and get angry they indeed have a spirit in them. 15 years ago I would have said I was bonkers but its there sometimes more blatant than others.
It sounds great rousing even it sounds righteous and just but its not genuine.
So why should you trust me anymore ? That would be a good question. As I say I would prefer you get your info straight from god and cut out the middle man as may already have happened. I'm sure you would excepted at church I I was the bad guy when I first started going.
OK for those that are still skeptical and its not a bad thing I always associated missing with Sarah even though I never had to get off the train because I never actually moved city. Some of the lyrics are.
Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead
Of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
It's years since you've been there
Now you've disappeared somewhere
Like outer space
You've found some better place
Although of course that is a song from satan a liar as we know.
She was I believed very much alive she did a postgrad at salter lane sometime in the naughties (not that I was snooping).
Then 30 years later I get a lyric in my head from her apparently in outer space and it looks like she did find some better place. OK so it's just a coincidence .... another one.
To be honest I'm ok with either being a multidimensional being that's going to spend an eternity with his first love or just another couple of weeks or being some sad old ordinary bastard pining over someone whose long forgotten him. I am comfortable in my own skin and if I was the latter of course any actions I took would have no consequences. If I am the former it obviously has with it a degree of anxiety how could you not be the state of the world our place in the narrative I am assured we are where we are meant to be but there's a lot that can still go wrong and well lets face it if we had got it together 30 years ago it may have been different. Maybe maybe not.
The thing is I am still married the thing I said I was funding until the end of august is now the end of September but my other promise may not expire for years I don't know and after then I don't know I would like to be not married not so I can play the field or anything just for some peace. Not that the perfect loving relationship shouldn't give you a bit of peace.
To be honest I'm not making plans at this moment I'm just trying to put one step in front of me and hoping that whatever ahead I will face better than whatever was behind. That is me though what about you what do you need want for the future ?
The weird thing about this is I know in the real world nobody reads this is gets no hits as such but anyway it was nice to talk to you we might not have said much but it was really nice to talk.
Don't worry to me you are beautiful just the way you are I think part of the reason I feel so awkward is I really crave intimacy with you not physical intimacy but intimacy a shared experience mutual laughter but its kind of a delicate thing that you can't manufacture and is so easily broken.
On the main point though the world I can see from my own human guesses re characters and what's written in the bible how it can go wrong. However I have been specifically told not to rely on my own understanding and to trust god and as I can't see how it can go right that's probably the wisest option. Wait upon the Lord.
Felt very depressed today for some reason don't know why feeling sorry for myself not a particularly nice trait the whole only falling in love every fifteen years and having to decide the fate of the world feels a little unfair on everyone but today it feels particularly hard for some reason although its moment is passed. I mean if it was all s scripted anyway what was the point of it all that love fear loss grief what lessons were we supposed to be learning ? Did we ? Did I ? . I do have another fear there was once a comic book story about the furry freak brothers who had a row and went looking to find new flatmates so they went to an agency that promised to find them there perfect housemates and... you've guessed it they reunited them.
So yeah I do have a fear that my perfect partner is Michelle and that you reap what you sow where I thought I was still sowing that was in fact me reaping ! Could be worse I guess.
Like I said in the song "you can't always get what you want... I just left off the last bit deliberately although maybe I never tried hard enough.
Not long now and at least I guess I should get some answers.
I suppose I should be buoyed up by the poem I wrote when I was 19 suggesting that the best in life comes after so to speak. It never mentioned all the bits in between though so hopefully it still holds true although I'm not sure what hope that gives everybody else.
I'm beginning to get fed up of being patient but if there is one thing I have learnt it is to be careful of what you ask for.
Then of course there is all the coming back stuff !
Its just grief I don't know why I haven't felt it until yesterday is it grief for the world it doesn't feel like it this time it feels more personal grief for a lost life a lost path. I have felt it before with Sarah the day after she had come back after summer then gone again in the morning then instantaneous and huge it felt like great train points had moved tearing through my soul and again a very personal ,loss a loss of some personal happy future.
Sian it was a grief mixed with grief of a more planetary nature but confused as I say probably like you when things go badly it is etched on the face of everyone you come across.
It's only human nature to try and be a people pleaser I suppose who wants everyone in the world to hate them.
It's ok though I guess as an aside though I have had listen to a 40.minute rant that they are changing the priority on wood seats road so you can't turn right. Its fine I'll be alright nobody owes me anything I just need to vent sometimes that's all.
No right turns was that our mission Trumps doing rather badly which is good news
It's my birthday tomorrow it promises to be peaceful which will be nice.
It's hopefully unintentional but I thought we were friends to offer me what I have wanted for so long at a time when you know I cannot accept it seems well a bit mean.
I understand it's a mess. I'll stop now if you like ?
There are positives around it's good not to be too gloomy.
One last thing I'm ok you know it's not the life I wanted or dreamed of but whose is but I'm ok. If you genuinely need anything from me at any time just contact me in some non weird way because well reality is a blurred thing for me please don't try and exacerbate that if you can. Look I'm sure you're fine but reassurance never hurt.
Hey don't misunderstand me look I could say something like god has placed it on my heart to love you which is probably true. How I feel it is me mat just loves you not in a weird stalkerish way I just love you. Want the best for you hope your happy think about you all the time (which is a bit distracting). If you don't that's fine its hardly your fault that I do.
I may have in the past personally had a dream of expressing that love in the way that billions of people in the world do by getting up making coffee working hard providing or just sharing a sunset but you know time ran out none of us were to blame though it was never in this part of the story.
I still love you though.
Don't feel guilty by the way I am perfectly aware of when you sang stay the night you would have been pretty horrified if I'd still been there the night after. I certainly also was unwilling at the time to throw away a degree of financial comfort on what certainly looked a risky prospect. In the normal world it's just life you know. To be honest I was half aware of your spiralling down before I acted I didn't really know what to do. But there was also some reluctance to get involved . I should have done more at least I should have talked to you in those earlier days after all widows and the fatherless have always been my speciality if you like and I did feel for you and the sacrifices you had to make. It's easy for people in comfortable positions to throw stones at those who don't have the option of the same choices. I didn't feel it was my place and well I lacked a degree of freedom to intervene.
Also I know you have proverbially tried to throw me under the bus so to speak on more than 1 occasion that's understandable big things are at stake and I freely admit to not knowing the answers myself I just do the songs. I would still love somebody to tell me what I got right and what I got wrong. Also if I had stopped smoking all those years ago and been well better earlier none of us would be in this position and I think I have been forgiven. In fact with sian I'm sure there were times when I thought all that bloody work and I didn't even get a shag ! I'm a little older now and wiser.
Don't feel sad for me either when your older you may wish for many things in life but actually I'm sure there are many who would want nothing more than to be young again and in the arms of their first love. The fact that I can almost trace that fate back to before I ever met her is wonderful if a little strange. After all only gods promises can really be caveated with "when you're dead." I'm not rushing to go still work to do.
I think you handled things better than I did probably a lot better than I did I'm not envious though I'm glad somebody did !
Sorry if any of this sounds holier than though I didn't mean to we both know we both have our internal struggles.
Essentially what I am saying is I have been forgiven and I forgive you.
I also apologise for the last few months I was just "holding" so I was just singing songs that had been important to me in the past I wasn't trying to manipulate anything but hopefully you know that.
OK just to add I got a little confused that's all god has great plans for you this video popped up maybe it was for you I don't know look I know how weird this must alll be trust me I've been there.
I'm not the one god has planned for you he has better plans I just got a bit confused that's all.
My hope is that one day you won't have to be suspicious of my motives or ask why you'll just know.
Look I don't know how these things work exactly but they have gone through my life and determined that I am not good enough for you and they've got someone better. Loving you is sadly probably the best thing I've done but I'm getting in the way. At least I think that's what's happening it literally is its not you it's me. Sometimes there's too much noise around.
Look if you loved someone really loved them and god says you will be bad for them what would you do ?
I guess what I thought was one of my strengths to be content in every situation turned out to be a weakness if you find yourself in the dark don't look around and see what there is you can do here try and find the light with everything you have.
Maybe I should have said this before but you know I'm scared to say anything but I genuinely didn't know what the train was and the world does need change but I went into a church a few weeks ago and was more or less explicitly told that it was the devils train. I have a belief a hunch a reading between the lines that the devils purpose is to acquire nuclear weapons not to bring peace and harmony. I didn't say this because I had already said no train I just should have explained why.

With regard to us that is also quite clear its no and god has got something better planned for you and I am to avoid playing with your heart strings as such. I am sorry I guess we just love slightly differently I didn't think you loved me so you know I genuinely was just playing songs that had been important to me over the years I didn't mean any harm. You see my experience of love is maybe equally as weird in that I don't know it kind of drops from the sky and its for like ever maybe that's an aspect of gods love and gods love for you. He has a good plan for you I don't know what it is. At times it frankly baffles me he seems determined for me to spend most of my life with someone I don't love I care about her were friends but I do trust in him that that is the best outcome for my life even if it doesn't make any sense to me. Occasionally I get a bit angry about it (with god).
I chose the desert path (I would have chosen it anyway) because I believed there was water at the end of it. Now that the waters been pushed away I sometimes think that people are saying stop being greedy and I'm ok believe me I'm ok but I'm not greedy I'm thirsty.
In the grand scheme of things there are more important things at stake here.
Still confused I have always felt guilty for "running away" all those years ago. Perhaps people will understand why I did. I have tried to warn of the web of lies being spun for instance I KNOW I am the fool on the hill BUT I have no idea who the man of a thousand voices is and whether it is god or satan or whether it is god and satan wrote a song all those years ago to make me think it wasn't god or he did it because I would think that it was.
I guess satans tactic is tell enough lies and nobody will be able to discern the truth it worked I guess but what's the bloody point.
I know nobody will believe me but this time round I know nobodys perfect and I certainly found myself plunged into a Maze of conflicting motivations but I was mainly just trying to save someone I loved
and the world from Donald Trump.
I am just an angel I believe more of a duty than a pleasure satan was also an angel but if you could see in the spiritual like I can you would realise satan is not your friend and god is not your enemy. Satan is the spirit of chaos and destruction look at all the wars around the world at the moment and you will see the result of satans spirit in the world. God is the spirit of peace and love. So as its a Sunday peace be with you.
In its simplest form its the battle between god love humble hard working giving and satan greedy ungiving hate if satan wins he will take us all down that is his aim if god wins its just love nothing to be afraid of trouble is satan keeps winning. When we won before was it that bad I thought things were improving slowly.. Its not about people its about the spirits that move within us all of us.
There right about the trains my dad as previously mentioned really keen on trains me not so keen now.. Although I'm not sure but may have been on them in the past we all make mistakes Weird world.
To be fair that's probably still satan up to his tricks it's far more likely to be Boris Johnston as in the videos.
Look at what is going on in the world take Ukraine for instance OK maybe I'm wrong but Putin evil as he is had the resources to defeat Ukraine however curiously he never committed them almost as if he wanted the meat grinder situation it suited his plan. The October attacks in Israel there brutality and sickening cruelty Satan. Netanyahus reprisals also Satan.We are being played He sees the signs too (hopefully I didn't alert him) he knows his time is short.
Have hope Jesus is coming to defeat him and not people but the spirit that is working in them and leading them to ruin.
Just don't take the mark of the beast if you can it will be coming soon no doubt.
Ephesians 6:12. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
There are many out there who see the problems the rise of the right and are searching for answers to be honest I am no authority all I know is I can see in the spiritual and it exists and it is very real and most of the problems of this world satan and yeah Its not easy he's always trying to find a way into our lives and I am not immune but at least I have some armour I can use. I put this in proud religious terms because that's what I'm doing but there are far better people out there loving people who have spent lives dedicated to other people who maybe don't profess a faith but I know that there armour the armour of love is far thicker than mine. It is because of my weakness that I need Jesus Christ it's because I haven't done maybe what I should have done that I need him and he's available to all.
Only when you know who you are fighting and that's Satan will you know the weapons you need to fight him and that's Jesus or god or love. It is not a war of the flesh it is of the Spirit.
Psalm 34:14
Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
Going well so far the usual universal shake of the head let me know when we get to the camping bit.
Just to explain Jesus isn't returning to protect the investment portfolios from angry communists. You have all been lied to for so ,long by satan about the nature of god it is not the handmaids tale we are heading to but eden. What's not to like in this admittedly dry book called the bible but at its heart it's the most beautiful interstellar love story ever told. Or inter dimensional not quite sure. Of Gods love for us.
But eden is always the destination in the bible one way or another and isn't that a beautiful thing.
There is no marriage in the new world the lion will lay down with the lamb all the swords will be turned into plowshares.
So lets all put on a bit of Bob marley "one love".
God always wanted eden for mankind and he is promising to restore it.
I'm also aware I could just be making "proud utterances" but its all in the bible.
There is power in the name of Jesus to drive out hate it is nothing to be afraid of.
It maybe nearly be my time but death is just a sting nothing to be afraid of
However I will also add I am not a communist they were just silly videos basic political theory/history suggests that swings too far to the left often just lead to far right governments next. It is about spreading love gods love I know that sounds naive but a caring loving government is more important than political ideology. .More Gordon Brown than che Guevara. Fundamentally be led by Jesus at all times.
Curiously the song states everybody wants to rule the world is strange because I really don't and would be very surprised if I"m a minority on that one it is a curious development.
I merely said wants Jesus has providence over the earth I will do what he tells me.
If you want a small insight into my life last night I went to see Rich hall at Bakewell it was fun and light mostly. The man is literally a giant and it was mostly peaceful except the bit at the end where he said does anybody object if I do a train song (of course we all know trains are a thing in this. He then got 2chords into it id a bang bang and then proceeded to do sweet home Alabama. So basically a death threat rather boring because I've had quite a few over time. To be honest 15 years ago I was scared but I'm not now. To be honest I don't know whether he's threatening me or goading me which is why I try to remain calm and do what the boss tells me because my boss doesn't make death threats well not like that in fact to him death is a blessing.
To me satan is a whispering spirit that speaks through people I have never seen it as an individual I have seen it control individuals but it is not the people but the spirit that is well its not nice that's all. Hey live and let live who cares except he got trump elected but god will always try and fix it for everyones good.
There is a better spirit out there and its a spirit of truth and love.
The Lords prayer
May your kingdom come on earth as in heaven
Ok think about that line for a second.
The creator of the universe who loves us all deeply wishes to create his kingdom here on earth as promised.
Well what is it in heaven It’s a city in a world of gardens and parks.
They probably have fusion power maglev railways.
When he says my fathers house has many rooms I have gone to prepare a place for you theres no mention of a years rent upfront. So probably lots of social housing.
Theres no marriage in heaven.
Its vegan but they probably have pretty good substitutes and precision fermentation.
I imagine there's an awful lot of love and the weak and the elderly the widows and the orphans are especially well cared for. Healthcare is amazing because there's no more death.
I don't know that all sounds pretty good to me but tell me what does satan say about it ? I don’t know whether we build it ourselves like the film contact or he comes himself ?
God is angry at the inequality of income the slave economy mining raping the earth oil barrons war dictators. However your right he's probably enacting this 2 thousand year old rescue plan because garys taken to calling himself theresa at the weekends.
Anyway god has had this rescue plan for us all for a long time but was always hoping we would find our way ourselves. However satan is maybe promising you a similar plan but curiously with no god in it. Why would you want to cut him out he loves us ? Anyway if it brings about paradise on earth great but why leave god out ?
This plan seems to involve giants fallen angels an elaborate deception which is hardly darwin is it. I would allege that the plan was not to bring paradise on earth but to obtain nuclear weapons and set them off when christ returns and indeed trump was elected. Which is in the bible I don't know why he would do that but and you know there all good people I still think I'm missing something on that one.
As we are souls with bodies attached for people of god and we are all created by god there is no losing just the sadness that comes from not being able to show everyone on earth the goodness of god and what he was trying to do for all of us.
As for me well I apologise I got it very wrong hindsight is wonderful if sometimes bitter thing.
The good news is ok there's a very painful period but god will sort it to be wonderful in the end we are nearly at the happy ending whatever happens.
My aims have dwindled over the years to well at least be on the christmas card list of a woman I love who well we;ve been through a lot and not destroy the world but well you know I've read the script so you've got to at least smile. To be honest these things were never in my power anyway sometimes you've just got to give it back to god because ultimately he is in control.
As the beast is sitting in the whitehouse we are probably heading to the mark of the beast territory a mark on the forehead or right hand without which you cannot buy or sell.Don't take it !
Its the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
I will also say just because I'm not scared I'm old but I was when I was younger and there really is no need for death and fear most of them are just kids. You know very well that gods war is a spiritual war its about changing hearts in the spiritual he doesn't make war in the flesh.
If there ate those that think the lack of "sea" is a good thing just cross reference with the bible and think about where the sea will be and where everybody else will be ?
Hopefully these arent proud words because I'm NOT a bible scholar or any authority on the matter. I know he is a degree stricter than this but it is just me musing about old bible stories.
These are what I hope are my sort of comic assessments of some of the nicer biblical moments.
OK so god created the world …. That’s pretty bonkers in itself but he did.
Then he created adam in his own image ok he was getting pretty tired by then.
Adam was pretty chilled it was eden eat fruit watch sunset sleep get up eat fruit.
He probably didn’t have to worry about his bowel movements.
He was a tad lonely tho.
So god took a bit of his flesh and refined it and it being his second time around created something better woman.
They would get up in the morning eat fruit together chill in the afternoon maybe a bit of cuddling watch the sunset eat a bit of fruit and curl up all legs and arms akimbo.
God looked down and his heart glowed I've got myself a couple of hippies he glanced at his inbox and it was empty and all was good with the world.
Hey guys do what you like but just don’t touch the tree of the knowledge of good and evil ok.
But then….
The devil appeared dressed up as the california highway patrol he spotted the woman on her own and he pullled up his sunglasses said "you do know that you are jay walking there missy". Really officer whats jaywalking ? Well I think you will find it’s a fellony ? Whats a fellony ? Well if you would check over there at the knowledge of good and evil and take a bit of fruit there you will find out.
But we were told not to touch that one ? OK suit yourself but I'm gonna have to charge you . But I havent done anything wrong ! Well that’s not really for you to judge. Go and have a look at the tree and you will find out.
Alright so she did and she got adam and they ate and they went shit were naked and they were ashamed.
They looked and they went man all the stuff we did last week is in this book we are in so much trouble I'm gonna have to ask for some serious forgiveness for this.
Then they looked over the wall and could see there were other people jaywalking too man should we tell them or tell god ?
God who was still quite pooped by his exertions was having a good long snooze and all of a sudden his email pinged. WHAT ! Can I be forgiven for this ? There doing that. If I do that but close my eyes is it still a felony ?
God put his head in his hands and said to himself oh no they've eaten of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil why did I put that there. ( Has a metaphysical moment where he really asks himself why he did put the tree in the garden and not somewhere else).
He quickly setup the auto forgive email responder and went oh man now I've got cops and conservatives and a whole load of questions about purpose and the like seas to part mountains to move and I just wanted to chill with a couple of hippies creation really is *****.
You know god and I think we've established thatche does exist in no uncertain terms I believe told me to cut contact to stop hurting you which believe me was far from my intentions and largely I have dutifully followed his command. I still wish there was a way that I could share stuff with you without the whole world knowing you know you know I'm not after anything untoward. There's things I know and to be honest quite a lot I don't know that I wish someone would just tell me. Maybe it has to be so weird those are the rules I don't know seems silly though.
Just remember that your talking to a guy who was drawn into a church what going on for 17 years ago now thinking well this is all a bit weird and somebody gave me the road to read which over the years I had always hoped was metaphor you know I'm not the Spanish Inquisition..
Don't get too downhearted I know there is a god and yeah I could see how you could be pissed off with your role in the story. Take it from someone who's played a few of them now. Given that do you really think I don't care about you ?
I will ask you to try not to abuse it though. Ultimately any decision is not mine anyway but I know there is a god who answers prayers.
Sorry I didn't intend to give you enough rope to hang yourself I thought I was giving you a chance to shine to be honest I was doing what I was told.
Seriously they all believe in angels who do they think made them ?
You know I know about the duality and you also know I know how hard is to stay up there are other paths for your future.
I am also sorry I don't know enough songs to be able to pivot very well I pick a couple of songs to do and that's it I can't pivot.
I'm sorry maybe I was naive but I believed in the redemptive power of love and I still do.
I know I got a lot wrong and could still be getting things wrong the thing that still baffles me is why you don't just want to talk directly.
I was thinking today about that time you got on the 43 bus you must have seen me on it and got on in a moment of bravery and I well I didn't ignore you but I pretended to. This is a weird thing its like they say people with cancer are brave there not brave they just have cancer they probably wake up in the morning wishing they didn't have cancer but they do and all they can do is try and make the best of it.. Its gods love though and its in gods hands and will to do.
I'm not sure how we would do it as this site is observed by I don't know what means but I may have a few guitars and music making stuff to give away to a good cause just be sure its a GOOD cause.
OK so it's not the extraterrestrial stuff (slightly disappointed I was looking forward to a spaceship) it is the biblical war of the hearts that's all the age old battle for love. I suppose in that way it was appropriate that most of the time I was fighting for love albeit with a few missteps but actually love for one individual its not about games or power its just love and forgiveness and of course I love you but always with the bosses approval of course.
Largely to save her from what I believed was misfortune as she was probably trying to do the same for me.
Funny world where decisions are not made as such but just depend on the songs you know.
So how do you change the world well years ago I did things sometimes big things because they felt like the right thing to do. (I dis lots of wrong things too) I was unaware that anyone was watching of course in the last decade I was distinctly aware there was someone watching and that made me feel worse about some of the things I did and better about others. But I knew that the watcher was a kind judge not that there weren't consequences because if your actions don't have consequences it is unfair on others. I wonder how changed the world would be if everyone knew they were being observed and judged kindly and remembered that that kind judge became flesh and was painfully crucified on a cross to bear our sins so that the ultimate judgement should not fall on them but on him. If they realised that they had been saved by that supreme act of love by their creator 2000 years ago how much more would they want to give back to the world he created for them.
I know it sounds bonkers but its true what a wonderful thing.
I however am not Jesus I'm nowhere near I'm just a lowly guy and saving the world I will try and do my bit but I just wanted to do the most normal of things I just wanted to save the three women I have really loved most in my life and yes I do have a favourite and its not the first (tho don't tell her) but that is in gods hands but I have every confidence in him.
I do have a prayer that never got answered and again it is the most normal thing in the world and that is I would have liked to you know seen them, talked laughed cried that kind of thing.
Maybe if we turn off the noise and take time to listen to that still small voice.
Just to be clear again when you are in the open mics trying for your communist train you are electing Boris Johnson or Elon Musk because they are the same spirit Satans spirit. So a longline to satan is power to Elon Musk or Donald Trump simple as..
and leave her alone .. she deserves better treatment.
Like I said earlier I still think I slept in the day they were handing out parts.
While it might feel a bit surreal being a spectator in your own life and I often wonder how much control I have although as you let go control it gets easier but while I may not show it I do feel it. Every burst of love every hit of anxiety its probably the same for you its like living a double life and bizarre as it may seem it is the one where you pretend to be normal that is fake.
Addendum the songlines
Halleluyah Jeff Buckley
Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
But baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
American Pie Don Mclean
A long long time ago I can still remember how That music used to make me smile And I knew if I had my chance That I could make those people dance And maybe they'd be happy for a while But February made me shiver With every paper I'd deliver Bad news on the doorstep I couldn't take one more step I can't remember if I cried When I read about his widowed bride Something touched me deep inside The day the music died So Bye, bye Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye Singin' this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die Did you write the book of love And do you have faith in God above If the Bible tells you so? Do you believe in rock and roll? Can music save your mortal soul? And can you teach me how to dance real slow? Well, I know that you're in love with him 'Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym You both kicked off your shoes Man, I dig those rhythm and blues I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck With a pink carnation and a pickup truck But I knew I was out of luck The day the music died I started singin' Bye, bye Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye Singin' this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die Now, for ten years we've been on our own And moss grows fat on a rolling stone But, that's not how it used to be When the jester sang for the king and queen In a coat he borrowed from James Dean And a voice that came from you and me Oh and while the king was looking down The jester stole his thorny crown The courtroom was adjourned No verdict was returned And while Lennon read a book on Marx The quartet practiced in the park And we sang dirges in the dark The day the music died We were singin' Bye, bye Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye And singin' this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die Helter skelter in a summer swelter The birds flew off with a fallout shelter Eight miles high and falling fast It landed foul on the grass The players tried for a forward pass With the jester on the sidelines in a cast Now the half-time air was sweet perfume While sergeants played a marching tune We all got up to dance Oh, but we never got the chance 'Cause the players tried to take the field The marching band refused to yield Do you recall what was revealed The day the music died? We started singin' Bye, bye Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye And singin' this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die Oh, and there we were all in one place A generation lost in space With no time left to start again So come on Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack Flash sat on a candlestick 'Cause fire is the devil's only friend Oh and as I watched him on the stage My hands were clenched in fists of rage No angel born in Hell Could break that Satan's spell And as the flames climbed high into the night To light the sacrificial rite I saw Satan laughing with delight The day the music died He was singin' Bye, bye Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye Singin' this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die I met a girl who sang the blues And I asked her for some happy news But she just smiled and turned away I went down to the sacred store Where I'd heard the music years before But the man there said the music wouldn't play And in the streets the children screamed The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed But not a word was spoken The church bells all were broken And the three men I admire most The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost They caught the last train for the coast The day the music died And they were singing Bye, bye Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye Singin' this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die They were singing Bye, bye Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye Singin' this'll be the day that I die
Knight Moves Suzanne Vega
Watch while the queen
In one false move
Turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken
And watching while the blury night
Turns into a very clear dawn
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
One false move
And a secret prophecy
Well, if you hold it against her,
First hold it up and see
That it's one side stone
One side fire
Standing alone among all men's desire
They want to know
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
And if you wonder
What I am doing
As I am heading
For the sink
I am spitting out all the bitterness
Along with half of my last drink
I am thinking
Of your woman
Who is crying in the hall
It's like drinking gasoline
To quench a thirst
Until there's nothing there left at all
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
"Walk on the blind side"?
Was the answer to the joke
It's said there isn't a political bone
In her body
She would rather be a riddle
But she keeps challenging the future
With a profound lack of history
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
Do you love me?
And watch while the queen
In one false move
Turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken
And watching while the blury night
Turns into a very clear dawn
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
The Queen and the soldier Suzanne Vega

The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.
He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."
Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down.
He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"
Well the young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan.
And she said, "I have swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground.
"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.
And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again.
And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."
But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside.
Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the queen went on strangling in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on.
Crazy Gnarls Barclay
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space
And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly [radio version]
probably [album version]
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done.
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
Peace Train Cat Stevens
Now I've been happy lately
Thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be
Something good has begun
Oh, I've been smiling lately
Dreaming about the world as one
And I believe it could be
Someday it's going to come
'Cause I'm on the edge of darkness
There ride the Peace Train
Oh, Peace Train take this country
Come take me home again
Now I've been smiling lately,
Thinkin' about the good things to come
And I believe it could be,
Something good has begun
Oh Peace Train sounding louder
Glide on the Peace Train
Come on now Peace Train
Yes, Peace Train holy roller
Everyone jump upon the Peace Train
Come on now, Peace Train
Get your bags together,
Go bring your good friends, too
'Cause it's getting nearer,
It soon will be with you
Now come and join the living,
It's not so far from you
And it's getting nearer,
Soon it will all be true
Oh Peace Train sounding louder
Glide on the Peace Train
Come on now Peace Train
Peace Train
Now I've been crying lately,
Thinkin' about the world as it is
Why must we go on hating,
Why can't we live in bliss
'Cause out on the edge of darkness,
There rides a Peace Train
Oh Peace Train take this country,
Come take me home again
Oh Peace Train sounding louder
Glide on the Peace Train
Come on now, Peace Train
Yes, Peace Train holy roller
Everyone jump upon the Peace Train
Come on, come on, come on
Yes, come on, peace train
Yes, it's the peace train
Come on now, peace train
Oh, peace train
All Along the watchtower Dylan
There must be some kind of way outta here
Said the joker to the thief
There's too much confusion
I can't get no relief
Business men, they drink my wine
Plowman dig my earth
None were level on the mind
Nobody up at his word
Hey, hey
No reason to get excited
The thief he kindly spoke
There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke
But, uh, but you and I, we've been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us stop talkin' falsely now
The hour's getting late, hey
All along the watchtower
Princes kept the view
While all the women came and went
Barefoot servants, too
Outside in the cold distance
A wildcat did growl
Two riders were approaching
And the wind began to howl
Fool on the hill the beatles
Day after day, alone on a hill
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still
But nobody wants to know him
They can see that he's just a fool
And he never gives an answer
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning 'round
Well on the way, head in a cloud
The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud
But nobody ever hears him
Or the sound he appears to make
And he never seems to notice
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning 'round
And nobody seems to like him
They can tell what he wants to do
And he never shows his feelings
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning 'round
He never listens to them
He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him
Rock and Roll Suicide David Bowie
Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then cigarette
The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget
Oh, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide
You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it
And the clock waits so patiently on your song
You walk past a cafe, but you don't eat when you've lived too long
Oh, no, no, no, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide
Chev brakes are snarling as you stumble across the road
But the day breaks instead, so you hurry home
Don't let the sun blast your shadow
Don't let the milk float ride your mind
You're so natural, religiously unkind
Oh no, love, you're not alone
You're watching yourself, but you're too unfair
You got your head all tangled up, but if I could only make you care
Oh no, love, you're not alone
No matter what or who you've been
No matter when or where you've seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain
You're not alone
Just turn on with me, and you're not alone
Let's turn on and be not alone
Gimme your hands, 'cause you're wonderful
Gimme your hands, 'cause you're wonderful
Oh, gimme your hands
Wish You were here Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell?
Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here
Sunday Bloody Sunday U2
I can't believe the news today
Oh, I can't close my eyes and make it go away
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long? How long?
'Cause tonight
We can be as one
Tonight
Broken bottles under children's feet
Bodies strewn across the dead-end street
But I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Alright, let's go
And the battle's just begun
There's many lost, but tell me who has won?
The trenches dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long? How long?
'Cause tonight we can be as one, tonight
Tonight, tonight (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
Tonight, tonight (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
Alright, let's go
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Wipe your tears away
I'll wipe your tears away
I'll wipe your tears away (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
I'll wipe your bloodshot eyes (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
And it's true we are immune
When fact is fiction and TV reality
And today the millions cry (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
The real battle just begun (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
To claim the victory Jesus won (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
On Sunday, Bloody Sunday, yeah
Sunday, Bloody Sunday