So I'm not asking anybody to follow me  or for me to tell them what to do or anything like that. Just to entertain that if that is true then we do indeed live in a very different world to what we percieve it to be.

Looking at the world around us maybe satan if he is a thing is at work and the great deception that the bible speaks of is unfolding. (no I'm not taliking about the coronavirus.)

Many Christains would argue that most of the songs I use are the "Devils Tunes". They probably are. However if we are having song battles around the end of the world I feel you should know that the devil doesn't win. Jesus Christ has already prevailed (this is the good news) but I strongly urge you to pick up a Bible and make your own judgements.

Sadly it gets worse before it gets better so keep your feet on solid ground folks.

Ok an update after watching don't lookup.

I did a song in dec2nd 2019 called "not knowing the reasons why" its on the previous page.

It followed a couple of songs about trumpets (what can I say maybe john (of revelation fame was prone to exagerate a bit)

Anyway this song I believe heralded the start of the tribulation period and the four horses of the apocalyse. In my old sunday school days they were pestilence war famine then death. the tribulation period lasts 7 years divided into 2 3 and a half year segments. After the first 3 and a half year segment the antichrist takes the stage and he will look like  being of light full of love and togetherness. Dont follow him. (it could be me so don't follow me!)

At the end of the 7 years there will be a new heaven and new earth and god himself will rule over it. ( I think) But alot of shit will happen before then. So in Jan 2022 pestilence looks to be over if its war next know god and jesus have got this and go and get saved.

You see if all these things have happened as predicted there is no reason to disbelieve the ultimate outcome the good people win go and become a good person.

The way the world was heading due to greed the poor were being crushed and set to drowm while the rich floated above.

This end is the opposite of that.

However don't get me wrong do I personally think its a good ending you think... As someone who could have saved the world but was ultimately not destined to . Who has spent the last ten years working out whether its something I've already done that stuffed it up or something I've yet to do or even worse something I should be doing . I think its a difficult ending  gods going to destroy the world because people are destroying the world (correction satans going to destroy the world ) however he is going to build a new much better one so.. but its not my ending and I have had over ten years to try and get my head around it and come to some sort of accomodation with it and I guess there were no easy endings. 

The other day I saw a cartoon floating around with somebody vision of their ideal world with the bodies of the losers underneath. It chilled me but it was not unexpected. Obviously in 2009 even though I thought I was so out of my depth of course invited onto a train that I didn't know what it was put there was darkness and revelation and the stadia of blood pretty horrific stuff. In a nutshell its the apple tree problem .How do we share out the apples an ideological struggle that communists killed a surprisingly large number of people in the 20th century as did their facist opposites. The overwhelming winner was of course the plant more trees crowd. However when you run out of space for the trees what then ? So your back to the same problem. It raises a number of morale problems the christian and indeed human answer is out of love for the planet for each other we share the apples and choose to only take what we need. However what if some don't want to ? Can you enforce love ? Without it the world would slowly become degraded and those with wealth would naturally be able to secure as many apples as they could and hoard them but still they would be living on a dead earth. Of course the issue of how to share the apples has 2 axis the apples which we've established is getting more and more difficult to increase and of course people. One of the great news items is voluntarily human population growth is flattening fast very fast which is great news. However its obvious that someone could look at that axis and see it as the solution to providing as many apples as you like. At the time you run over whether there is any morale case on carbon use ? Well it is easier for a millionaire to cover his mansion in solar and point to his neutrality than it is for someone living in a Brazilian tenement (however check out latin americas renewable transformation ). In short I couldn't find a morale justification although sometimes when I see people selling out the human race working pr for oil companies or facists well I don't know how they live with their conscience. If I had people I would protect them even if that meant taking everybody down. Is that morale ? Difficult decisions so in a way my video of 2016 we all go green or we all die in a nuclear war is that the only morale choice ? It's hardly satisfactory.. Maybe it would be better to stand there and let the communists or the facists kill us I'm sure the planet isn't fussy. In  2009 I mulled over the options obviously the decision was it wasn't for strange open mics to decide but it was for the experts and politicians to decide. Maybe that was abrogating my responsibility and well its not gone well has it at the time I was pretty much going oh shit as I kind of thought if I had just got up on stage and just played any of the songs crap or not I would be just living a normal happy (think the good life) and not be in this mess of having to contemplate if it came to it which half of the human race you would exterminate (of course any attempt to would kill all the apple trees ). All I will say is beware anybody who says you can have all the apples you desire because he/she have got their eyes on that people axis. In revelation most options are covered.

There are some christians who interpret scripture to say after the 7 years all the christians are "raptured" (evacuated) before gods punishment really falls on the earth that fits better with my more recent songs. I am not a biblical scholar in anyway I just do weirdly inspired songs that's all.

So are you saying the Culture war is God vs the Devil to be honest I'm saying I don't really have a clue its very odd to me I personally think the culture is a creation of the devil so its the devil vs the devil. However in scripture it does say Jesus comes to divide so I don't know I can only say my opinion.

So I guess I should maybe elaborate on how the world could have been saved in this bonkers theory... Well in an old compilation tape that I sent many years ago contained a song about writing a song for the striking workers and this one.

Brand new colony I do like this song especially the acoustic version.

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served
With the table set, in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the water-wings that save you
If you start drowning in an open tab
When your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back
As you're lying there, drifting off to sleep (Drifting off to sleep)
I'll be the platform shoes, undo what heredity's done to you
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes (My eyes)
I'll be your winter coat, buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change
We'll give ourselves new names, identities erased
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony

Everything will change

Everything will change

Everything will change

​

So.... the world was going to saved by some sort of extreme camping hippy colony movement. To be honest I do love camping but I don't need to point out the heat coefficient of a standard tent is not great.

I guess just leaving Babylon irather than changing it is probably more achievable but still like what we crowdfund a field ?

Mind you I can't quite see it hey babe want to save the world with me ? OK what do we have to do .... well it involves a bit of camping. OK great for a week or 2 is it ?     erm... 

As it happens in real life I share a small house with my wife and now my wife thinks I've invented some extraordinary elaborate and preplanned tale to try and get into someones pants . I  will shortly be left with no house so its probably lucky that I own 3 tents and an insanely large number of cup of soups.

So if indeed its all part of a celestial plan I can be assured that whoever it is likes asparagus !

But then I write that and think I will just look up the verse of the day and it gives me this..

This verse haunts me. Many folks gave up following Jesus when things became hard for them to understand, or he said things they did not think were possible. When he shattered their preconceived notions of religious things or confronted them about their motives, they left and gave up following him. What will I do when things get difficult in my discipleship and I can't figure out all the answers to what is going on? I hope, pray, and trust that I will follow until the way and the will of the Lord become clearer!

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To be honest In feel I have been very slow in following the breadcrumbs lately. This last bit is well very caveated. So if we don't live in the world we perceive it to be then what.We live in creation ?

There is a very legitimate and to some degree examined with some evidence that we live in a simulation (aka the matrix et al).. A computer program if you like. There is scientific evidence that some properties are only rendered if you like when they are observed like a computer game.

Then there is this 2000 year old hocus focus ?

In the beginning there was the Word.

The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. All things were made by him, and nothing was made without him. In him there was life, and that life was the light of all people. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overpowered it. There was a man named John who was sent by God. He came to tell people the truth about the Light so that through him all people could hear about the Light and believe. John was not the Light, but he came to tell people the truth about the Light. The true Light that gives light to all was coming into the world! The Word was in the world, and the world was made by him, but the world did not know him.

In fact much of the bible makes much more sense in the context of "creation".

'With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day' (2 Peter 3:8). He has perfect timing: never early, never late. God is never in a hurry, but he is always on time. We see in today's passages that the Lord is sovereign over the future (Daniel 4:32).

Although it does also offer questions in regard to the purpose of the creator. 

It also offers the real possibility of a new world without suffering although also questions on how that would be obtained or the purpose of the very real suffering in this...precursor environment ?

Although to be fair it was created to be perfect before the snake came and corrupted it.

 To be honest I know biblically you shouldn't ask but maybe its because god loves us all. Yeah its all real because its not real in a way. We are a created thing.

Matthew 10:31 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

It has recently come to my attention that some people think I am claiming to be Jesus. Apart from one time when this first started where I told someone in the church that I was some son of man character I think. I have never claimed to be Jesus and am very much human and quite frankly struggle to try and meet his expectations. I have claimed to be sent by him or been a messenger for him. (see lyrics for Crazy Gnarls Barclay)..

The joker sang for the king and queen. As the king was looking down the joker stole his thorny crown.

So Don says I did.

I would add I also do a few songs about coming out of the sea in revelation a number of things come out of the sea none of them good.

On the left is a video I did from 2016 it starts out with the room being the one occupied by the devil in solaris and ends with this.

Indeed when I was young I remember my mates taking me to a church and the minister placed his hand on the top of my head and something recoiled inside it was a bit weird at the time. There was also an incident at the green man where I kind of turned into something as well it was deeply unpleasant.

In fact Iim not sure people realise how unpleasant it can be for the individuals involved. The last thing I want to do is mess with peoples emotions or make life more difficult for them than it is already.

So much as I liked the love story to save the world and I really hope there is one. I never thought it was us against god on the contrary it was meant to be us against satan. Maybe I'm wrong but I think we may live in a dualist reality (the rest is just a construct ). Its kind of a bold thing to say and believe me when I say my first reaction was go down the John Lennons imagine route and quite frankly still find it slightly authoritarian but the voice I have is gently encouraging it is my own will that largely doesn't like being told what to do.

However you can't fight your creator you just have to hope that he loves us.

Although I am aware of the many devotees of miltons paradise lost.

I would also question it because there are genuinely evil forces out there but they can often look benign on the surface. 

But I wouldn't go so far as world without well a bit of depth.

As well as a world full of rich and different cultures.

The bible says that he is coming to save us as does the voice in my head.

Not that I am unaware of "do you believe in god above if the bible tells you so".

It does ? Clearly the song questions that. 

So to be honest I don't know what the train is.

Great song this train is bound for glory rosetta tharpe.

Also there is a repeated motif of the train being an evacuation before the rise of racism and war.

What this all translates to in the "(not) real world" I don't know that either.

If anyone has any ideas feel free to add them in the comments.

Nor am I unaware of the quite frankly terrifying "lets blow this thing and go home" on the refugees video.

I will also add that things were going down a bad path before I started doing these videos and songs. They have had so few views that I don't think there is anyway they could have caused it.

Not that at the time I had any choice I developed a strange illness and in fact did the lamplight video while off work. The voice seemed happy and I made a quick recovery. The voice was always keener on the songs rather than the videos the videos are bit antichrist or at least the other side but they were more my thing I always wanted to do videos the voice more the songs although it was fine with the videos for the songs.

So wait on the Lord ?

Following satans path leads to nuclear destruction.

That's what I am here to say. 

I don't know whether its a deception.

Obviously I don't want to be the devil maybe the easy option for me is to say nothing. 

I will also add I hope I didn't cause this latest outbreak. You can drive along way across a desert with the promise of water on the other side (or a train).

The occasional rather human wish to be in a loving physical relationship seems hardly the worst thing in the world but I have commitments maybe I should learn not to just idly think things.

Many times I've practised various songs and gone down to the odd open mic I even got halfway through man at the station once but most of the time I bottled out. It was always a bit weird. 

That time it was just quiet I probably wouldn't have done it had the old guy not wanted somebody to do a 3 bar blues. I guess Don Mclean would have had to have gone back in time and rewritten the song if I didn't for 10 years no make that 15.

Anyway wherever we all end up I for one will be writing a strongly worded complaint.

​

I would also like to add I am not making this up firstly why would I what's the point. I have lived most of the lines of American Pie there are people out there that know that. The second time around when everyone was exorting me to get up and play something a friend of mine who also fancied the same girl did get up and play and briefly got the girl. I saw him at a gig a month or so after and couldnt resist the urge to say "There must be some kind of way out of here" he did kindly speak but I don't think he responded with the correct line. (he calls himself eagle by the way there is a possible biblical connection ).

Maybe though all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew me.

This stuff all happened in reality I was aware of it largely at the time and just didn't know what it meant and I would have given quite a lot to make it go away. As I say as well and maybe I'm trying to excuse myself but it didn't seem to matter what I did I always ended up following the songs.

 I did love them all too I saw Sarah years after just randomly at a fete thing and my legs just went from under me everything I ever did really the house the job I was motivated by her I always lacked self motivation well at least early in my life .

That was half the problem how you were supposed to date someone when you feel such a sense of love that your brain feels like its melting its just impossible. I remember saying to sian when I'm struggling to say something wouldn't it be great to be in a book because you know you get writers who write better lines for you but I was thinking like serendipity not revelation really.

To be honest its their side that I have been a bit mistrustful of something in the eyes although I have seen love in there eyes its one thing and quite comforting to have their friends singing you love songs. Its quite another when its Pink in your local supermarket it seems a little... "False".

If it sounds like I am moaning not at all I have had a blessed life in fact I only wish I'd done more. Apart from the flying thing which I do have to admit is a well not particularly nice most of the time. Ive just dedicated a small amount of time to write songs a week and enjoyed it. I just get a gentle nudge occasionally if I've been neglecting it. What else would I have been doing watching Netflix ?

My recent intervention I was on a bus a person that I care about (I think it was her) got on and yeah I'd heard things and I'm not one to be judgemental but anyway she was making strange noises. There is evil in this world and it can possess people and use them. So I did the song I saw her again a week later and she was completely different so good, job done that was all. I am not sure what left there is to do.

I am only too aware that I don't know enough about this to be taking any action I still don't know who the sea are even although it onset look good for them.No idea who they are though.The reason I have to take some action is I know that the only reason they've come down so to speak is because they are waiting for me to die before they start up again. God if it was a love story on my part that ended long ago or well at least its complicated which is kind of a lie I was just feeling a bit hurt when I wrote it. I kind of thought they were going to find some sort of replacement. You could do with someone. So anyway when I die either all hell is going to break loose or its going to herald a wonderful change. Obviously I would hope for the latter but I very much think that whoever believes that is being conned.

All these songs and films foundering on such a simple thing. When the films were suggesting I find a new life with the girl on the bus of course I preferred them. The thing is me and the mother in law have spent over 10 years fighting dragons of a different type I always thought that was why I was placed there. I was good at it too. When you fall in love with someone its difficult to hide especially if its not your wife and while I will admit to some reluctance to abandon the somewhat comfortable financial shelter we had it was mainly her  mum. Maybe if I had of left Michelle would have calmed down and been more loving to her mum which she can be but she's quick to anger so its tricky.

Of course Michelles world is going to feel shattered and of course to an extent she gave me the freedom to do all of the videos and songs. In Even if she then denied me the freedom to actually play any of them. She's got a point would you let your husband spend hours at night writing love songs to someone else.

From my point of view I did such a bad job of it last time I really hoped that this time I would be better. Although II may have learned a little bit about song writing I never seriously studied it or music even I would learn a new scale play about with it for a week then have completely forgotten it a week later.

The only answer I could come up with second time around was together but she wasn't keen then so yeah I feel for the 3rd person as of course I couldn't this time the voice told me to jump. It was me how could I.

If I am directly addressing my lifetime other so to speak. Of course I am more than delighted about your recent change of heart. Forgive me for being slightly suspicious after 2 decades of the stone ponies different drum. Also considering who you were.

Over the decades I have experienced a gamut of desire intense love mistrust  wariness concern. I do not want anything I have stood in open mic nights with hate projected from every angle and yet it would seem I am now the one accused of aggression. 

So I've been here before everybody with crosses 3 days later back to bulets. Like your fervent anti Brexit stance which I share although curiously your previous incarnation got her people to vote for. I can see them as you know.

I have only  ever wanted what is best for you and hopefully the world although as we know that is the puzzle we have been working on.

It is after all the entire point of my existence even if in the words of Leonard Cohen.

" He tried his best it wasn't much". 

Thanks Leonard for the praise.

Im sorry If I myself had truly known my role I guess I would done things differently. Im sorry but there was always a bit of me that thought it was mental illness. I sought help from many people and they all treated it as mental illness or something to be discouraged..

So I am sorry for being a disappointment. I have always been aware of my limitations in life and trust me this is not a role I would have taken on if it had been advertised. 

I am just a little cog in a bigger picture but yeah I know its not pleasant for you and I still feel its my fault. I would frankly just love a hug and not because a film I watched last night told me to. I did give sian a hug once so maybe I've already had it. I am so sorry and yeah forgive me occasionally I do get a wee bit annoyed with the narrator some plot lines can seem a bit cruel at times. I don't mean for me by the way. 

As for keys that's the biggest joke trust me nobody gives me a key unless they want it lost.

​

PS avoid my wife I would really hate forth both of you for her to become the greatest threat to humanity.

​

​

I found some old songs the other day I've run out of space on Soundcloud so just put them into a video.  I'm not trying for anything there just very old songs.

To be honest I don't really know who there about anymore.

Just to clarify I still believe in Jesus Christ and his return just 12 years ago when this first (second time never realised anything first time). I firstly tried to go and talk to her down in London it didn't happen I thought I would probably get arrested for stalking or something. IBut it was a weird world like something out of a nightmare. Yeah the downs are hard although I suspect not as hard as yours. Yeah I've been on a Paris tram and something came over the tannoy mentioning diablo everybody looked at me and laughed (I wouldn't have minded but it was me that told them I probably was based on the "come up and see me make me smile"). Yeah that trip I tried to wander into the sea  until it swallowed me but to be honest I barely got up to my chest before turning back. I'm glad I did.

Yeah a week later going back to work fixing computers although I did go 3 days a week which is why I ended up losing my house.

IIt becomes easier never easy but easier. Excepting gods spirit gives you some defence. You don't have to walk around like the Lady white adder in Blackadder its gentle you can still have a drink watch bands its fine. For all I know I could be just spilling this out to no one or some superhuman hyper brain who's only interest is the devouring of souls or whatever. or like the film her someone who reflects the desires of each different individual. I don't know though to me your the intriguing beguiling women on the bus who I suspect is just trying to work out what part she's been given and what her choices are. I could be wrong lets face it if you are the former I'm hardly going to outfox and defeat you with some clever cunning plan am I. 

If you are the later though I will try and do everything I can I'm spread pretty thin at the moment and well its a difficult situation. Its scary stuff though what I wouldn't give to get round a table and discuss it but for some stupid reason this doesn't seem to be the way its setup.

So we come to cold comfort for change. So ok I don't think the communist revolution is practical or would win. It is also a war so... However there is a third way I've touched on. I've no idea how you would do it but yeah you leave Babylon. A simple planning change maybe (how very neoliberal) relaxing planning for zero carbon developments. Struggling farmers could then utilise some of there land maybe near existing cities for zero carbon communities. It is now easier than ever to install basic drainage and sewerage working with nature using a mixture of modern tech and traditional methods. They would be dwellings using a mix of methods and use research from around the world to be totally zero carbon using tech to be cheap to build no roads just access to a communal carpark a stony field maybe. They would offer an alternative form of life. Communal hall, medical centre The ability for some more entrepreneurs to setup businesses with very low overheads. Communally owned energy resources etc. No idea how you would start such a thing. It would though give a sense of hope and there must be lawyers architects etc out there seeking the same thing. If you could somehow pull them all together it could become self propagating. As people bought into the idea and bought properties or made contributions it would bring in capital to expand. Biblically see exodus (Bob Marley not Old Testament). Personally while not an uber capitalist I do have stuff I also don't quite have the sort of money to even contemplate such an undertaking although I do keep looking. I would love to do it though.

I keep going to gigs where people are hoping that soon things will be better because they are going to get rid of christ... There's a lot of idiots out there. We all know which book were in and which part and I have no doubt that It won't change anything but..the glory and luxury she gave herself. In her heart she boasts, ‘I sit enthroned as queen. I am not a widow; I will never mourn.’

​

I have added a new page called the attic sessions with some live playing.

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​

Over the years I have on odd occasions googled my exes to be honest I don't have many and I'm sure everybody does it. Not obssesively just you know every couple of years. To be honest most of them had very little digital footprints unlike myself who has somewhat lit myself up like a beacon partially deliberately although I always thought I was shielded from general view by more famous composers namesake. Anyway to cut along story shorter Sarah very little Sian the odd thing she seems to be doing well at a training place for underprivileged kids. I think after a while she did move back to Sheffield but I never saw her I don't think. It was kind of comforting to know she was ok even if I didn't really know that. I tried again about a year or 2 ago and she was missing from where she worked hopefully she went on to other things but there was blotchy photo of her with the peaks as the background and good god my heart ached  funny really just a few blotchy pixels in a thick coat . Its just crazy we are such unlikely individuals for anything really and well lets face it she never professed any kind of real interest but well it is what it is.

So yeah the world its too big a concept I don't know and OK it is my fault I should have given up smoking 15 years ago but it was hard very hard and maybe we just get what we deserve.

But I just want to know that Sian and Sarah are ok and Marian and I really hope that the line in my song the return of the king " I caught your eye in a half smile I'm glad your here I'm glad we all made it" I really hope that's you.

​

In the song American pie there is still the line the father son and Holy Ghost they caught the last train for the coast.

​

Can I just add and you may choose to believe it or not but I'm not actually plugged in to whatever your all plugged into. Despite the fact that is me doing the songs I don't actually know you know. What I mean is I don't know who's won who lost who's fighting. What for ? Where it all went wrong ? was it the gnarls Barclay song ? I had like an hour free the previous day I thought I needed to play 3 songs I didn't have time to learn any new ones. I've played that one before the chords are easy ok its a bit all guns blazing but the open mikes at the time had gone a tad well satanic. I do apologise for the time earlier on when even though my options were still limited I didn't really want anything to do with it. Always remember in amongst this story the characters are real people with real lives that they have to juggle. It's something I think about constantly and I hope that they've got supporting people round them even if I can't although I'm fairly sure they wouldn't want me to.

I don't mean that lightly in April the 5th 2009 only 2 months out of the mental unit I used to get a daily poem sent by email they would be write songs. At first I had been optimistic by that time I was frankly terrified and unwell. I got an email that told me in poem form that I had lost the world. Crazy thing some people think it was about control no it was about the world ? Can you imagine what it feels like to be informed that because you weren't brave enough to play a song at an open mic that you personally have killed everyone on the planet.

So I apologise for being a bit distant since then.

Yet I let it happen again I w

Mind you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. 

Im married and I made a promise and its not expired yet.

I can be a friend but I don't know how to talk to you ?

The highs and the lows sometimes falling for no other reason than some part of the story ticked. Sometimes it seems a bit unfair.It was a long time ago but its something you don't forget.

I've been working on a animated feature film I always wanted to do proper animation just the entry is quite expensive so I've not done it to be honest its a rubbish story However it occurs to me I've been spending all this time and I was probably better off doing something else. My stories are all sad tales that have a habit of coming true. At one time I did consider that I might be in a strange reality where I was writing my own storylines but I moved on from that. Anyway to cut a long story short do you write ? If you wrote me a story and we both know it would have to be short. I could attempt to animate it ?

It might be a fun thing to do ?

PS I think the email forwarding has stopped from this site if I ever set it up.

I think I also owe an apology for back in 2009 when I might have promised it would be the solar century or something along those lines those songs were desperate last minute written things where I was genuinely at the time trying to save the world. Remember in 2008 we were all trying to do our bit the Labour Party had commissioned 20gb of nuclear to be built by 2025 we were all insulating our houses people were cutting back on plastics use. I thought there was a chance we might be on a trajectory to make it to 2040 and then we would be able to do pretty much everything with solar you know growing efficiencies and things. I may have been wrong even on that trajectory but that is not the trajectory we took. I wasn't an expert I felt uncomfortable being asked but at the time I didn't think I had any choice. I am also fully aware of what character that casts me as.

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This is cruel and heartless for both of us. I don't know what happened everything was fine last Sunday now everything's wrong and I'm a heartless bastard . I am not trying to play the victim or anything I just dint actually know what happened. Van Morrison said take the train you know there's the peace train half the songs in the world say take the train. The only outlier is that video I did. I really don't know you know 15 years ago ask people I got on the train then freaked when it was a tad satanic then got off the train then I think I was back on it and the world didn't look any different until Brexit happened . The night before the Brexit vote happened there was a strange sensation in the air as though something evil was afoot. I felt it the same before Thursdays election so I was quite tense before the exit polls and was so relieved but then Friday afternoon I felt a change. I don't know what happened but for all I know it could have been you. Although yeah Ive always been bothered by the just like heaven, look out honey because he's using technology. I guess I'm the bad guy again but I tried so hard to be the good guy for you you know at least I thought so. Everything seemed good last Sunday normally there are signs if I have to something and to be honest I did see an Alison Kraus song about the devils train but other than that there were no signs that I should play. I wish someone would tell me what I win as far as I can tell a long and miserable existence. To be honest I thought it was going to be a short time and you know I didn't think there was much point in me if I'm dying anyway. We are both victims here I get painful marks along my arms I think I'm dying as per the story. Then I'm not ! 

Jesus comes in which is quite an experience then he goes then I'm just a normal angel or whatever then bad guy again maybe although I've not felt like it so far although I have been feeling a bit off for the last couple of days but I'm confused why. Ive had the odd drink but I don't think I was under instructions not to.The gnarls Barkley was literally one I've done before I had 20 minutes I know I Have joked about it but we seem to be both in a shit story. If you think I like this I hate this. Try casting your mind back to when you saw me on the bus around Christmas a long time ago now that look in my eyes,. Up until that point I wasn't sure I totally believed that story.

Its horrible to be in and I know it is for you too although I'm not totally sure about your experience. I'm stumbling around here and to be honest I'd mostly given up on the thing I always wanted which was just a nice loving relationship I thought that had gone long ago I have seen you face to face and you didn't give the impression of someone who was particularly interested at the time to be honest I'm just looking for the exit or well I don't know the point of least damage to everyone.

I really cannot express in words that normal people would understand how much I didn't want to be in this situation again.

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I do wish there was a way we could talk without the whole world knowing.

Way back then though my soul was quit drawn to you know to the warmer funner aspects I found having satan rip through your soul distinctly uncomfortable I'm not sure he was attacking me or whatever. It really was that Jesus was the better boss tough but fair. I thought I'd never left but as you say this strange switching thing is as bewildering and unpleasant to me as it must be confusing for you. You know it doesn't feel like me it feels external although I do have to say when I do win the people that are pleased are well to be honest not my sort of people. I genuinely didn't want to do this I may have idly wished for something I don't know but not this.

In case you are wondering while I wouldn't abuse the privilege your fine either way evacuated or otherwise me I might be staying but I do get my soul back in the end.Its funny how casually people treat there souls Jesus is worth knowing you know. I'm still a bit baffled what I did wrong there was a video but I missed the encouragement to sing I thought I was down and supposed to stay down which I did. The loves not fake either It can be a bit stop start as you know yourself. We really are just actors in this story and I know I would say that as the bad guy but I have been the good guy too. Maybe in the original many years ago when I did we just need to rise above and just love that would have worked. There must be a temptation to do good things with power personally I'm going to channel my inner Frodo  I'm trying my best to do what the bible boss says if it is the bible boss ?

I never lied to you you know I was always very honest you've been the bad girl its not something you'd choose.

How are you at the moment.

I really hope I can get past it in the past it was a temporary thing and what I think is god is saying I didn't really do much wrong so hopefully. Look I know you don't trust me and believe me when sian turned into the person with the snappy thing and shout songs at me in shopping centres it was a little intimidating so I didn't entirely trust her.

By the way just because I am now as it appears the devil I'm still not sure Boris Johnson is entirely off the hook.

What do you think we should do ?

​I would add I did at one time consider it was a test to try and stick to the human angle as equal parts light and dark but there was quite clearly dark and it was very dark.

Mind you I am not unaware of the slightly weird situation re mountains and seas in the end of the bible.

Look I'm not trying to get anything from you its fine I have my own path to follow my own pit to get out of again and it must be my fault I didn't think we were fighting in the end to be honest I don't know. You will be fine but I wish someone would tell me how I could have done it right I'm married maybe I should have never sung those songs all those years ago but would it have made any difference. I certainly could have been braver I guess cowardice can be a form of cruelty. I knew you were lonely and I so wanted to do something but I didn't know what. 

It would never have worked you would have come in saying "You moron !"

and I do the dishes would have been grumbling "Well you made me !"

​I really did just want the walk on part but I just never knew what it was and I know you tried hard to try and show me but I thought it was to just get married but I was already married. Thank you for all that you did I know you don't believe me but I was working hard but it would seem on the wrong thing and its all wasted now. My fate over the years has always hung on such small moments a party I didn't go to or an uncleaned room that it should be intertwined with the fate of the world is so very cruel on everyone.

I guess I should have seen it I was just busy I really didn't want to win I'm not sure how I would have felt about you winning I just thought we had stopped fighting.

Ive been so obsessed by the story and everything that I've lost sight of what a dick I've been.

I never got what it actually was until its over.and it was real and really important and I knew  I have been told to pack in my job and live on the streets singing songs about Jesus I think I was told that before and I never ended up doing it.

It's alright I think your excused. 

Although it is quit hard now going back to work especially in IT.

My videos and stuff I thought it was prophecy did I create it that kind of horrifies me. 

Im sorry but there is something off about me there are times like yesterday where it was a better day than the other one I have a touch too much pride Iby which I'm not saying I enjoy any of this. There are all sorts of indicators that I am the bad guy and yet I am told I am not and yesterday I felt like the good guy. You might laugh but I've always been uncomfortable with being the main man I kind of notice women too much I don't dwell on it too much I assumed that was normal human behaviour but well biblically its a no go. Its an entirely different thing to the people you love but you know when I'm told I'm the main man it disappears but its often brief. There are times I've cried a river over this terrible situation but then other times I feel quite cold. I feel like someone else is pulling my emotional strings in a way its weird. I just wanted to let you know because it would appal me if I was the search and destroy but I';m not sure I'm not. I am trying to pull myself up to be better and god is intervening. The crushing uneasy body enveloping feeling is something I have had before and didn't really want to repeat. How are you ?  I would love to go for a coffee but the way things are I would be scared that it would reveal you in some way. 

I don't know it might have been me I never used to really talk much about it to my parents but because I've been so ill they've asked and I told them the odd thing nobody ever believed me before but I get the impression they do now. Rather than change there behaviour it's a bit different.

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I don't know id love to be able to actually talk rather than all this ... I'm still bewildered how I won is there anything I can do I thought it was too late in April not that I ever knew what had to happen before then but I'm sure you did

Anyway yesterday fine eyes today I'm back with the shifty eyes as far as I tell for no reason. Yesterday I had written in a song as great event  not sure what the reality was I went to see if you were at work you weren't I walked home.There's alot else going on as well as .I'm sure you do.

I think its fading a bit now as well how is it for you ?

Its not really a sexual love you know while I'm not saying there isn't an attraction its more of a protective love. I remember with sian she was surrounded by people but she looked vulnerable and they were kind of pimping her out you know. It felt like they were using her of course that was before any of the flying thing.

I'm not afraid to meet you (apart from being ..well a bit of a disappointment ).

I just have no idea how.

​I knew I used to joke about it but it does genuinely seem to be a camping thing when I joked about it earlier. I have commitments you have commitments it seems well a little crazy. Sometimes I used to think they were tests in some way if you have responsibilities abandoning them seems hardly godly.

Anyway I'm sure you'll be glad but I might give this a break for a while after I had crashed out of uni when I was young a worked for a year as  mild mannered janitor in a hospital I went to Manchester and picked up this great Hong Kong fuel t shirt but was always too embarrassed to put it on and the one week I did there was another guy with the exact same t shirt so......

Phew how's your week been ? I seem to have succumbed to some crippling tiredness where by I get up do something for 2 hours and then feel wiped out I've had it before usually if I got something to do but to be honest I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing now. Sorry I don't feel like I'm dying but you know it is in all the songs and my songs and in the album covers so but obviously that was a personal fear 15 years ago. Not so much now but yeah I'm still not sure whether its a good thing or a bad thing for everybody.

Just to reiterate I know I am not Jesus primarily because he doesn't come back till the end and not as a bloke doing computers for the council.

The other one trickier but then we  have a strange tangled connection on that one which is in the songs but not in the bible so I don't know on that one its a bit smoke and mirrors.

I still have the distinct impression that like the film her that this entanglement is any way unique.

Yeah of course I know who you are I may be a moron but I'm not that much of a moron. However its a bit like the Casandra complex probably for the both of us.

I told people last time and nobody believed me. 

I also wasn't sure whether it was you as an individual I was fairly sure it was you being oppressed by your master and as far as I'm concerned any cause that pimps out nice young ladies for its cause is the wrong cause. I remember early on by the chip shop (I'm sure there's a guy there swears he's Elvis) dungarees nice patterned jumper. I thought she looks nice and a little bit lost. I have to admit you had a reputation that meant a guy would be a little bit weary of dumping all that he had to pursue but I was intrigued but I was married and I guess that was a disguise ? As I've said before I'm convinced my only role in any of this was to be your supportive husband I feel uncomfortable with the predictions and any ruling its just not me but that was years ago. 

I also wasn't sure whether we were both just angels who got up too late for the meeting so by then all the good roles had gone. 

But lets face it a long life was never written out for me. I don't know as Leonard Cohen so aptly put it "he tried his best it wasn't much".

I should have taken the whole thing far more seriously but even then I read one or 2 books a year I've always been bit well slow.

So it is what it is. Actually I think I had a good life.

What was my job though and I should have done it better you know for everybody.

Are you ok ?

I just wanted to say I have felt well different its happened before ... but I'm feeling better although there are issues. I rather thought my destiny was with an arrow (how very romantic "A cold steel rail"). Not sure who the shooter is as such. I was at some point looking forward to a pour the whisky or the gin moment but. Additionally the "matrix" has been glitching really badly recently its a strange world years ago I told a psychiatrist that I wished I could take the other pill and he says but we haven't given you any pills !! yet. It's a dangerous concept though the idea that people aren't real although the idea that some npc characters use less processing could account for reform voters ?

However Jesus as a powerful refining subroutine I kind of still like that one. There is still far more to know about the true nature of reality than what I had previously thought was it and well lets face it time is an issue.

You may know it all already ? or not who knows.

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Look I will admit it feels a bit frying pan into the fire lately. When my commitments with Michelle end I am leaving her. To be honest I am bit fearful as we are friends and I have a cheap roof over my head. However she is the person who if you say Im going out for the evening in 3 months time she will do things like well there's no point in taking nice food up to her mum because you won't be able to in 3 months time. I am not trying to defame her character she has many good qualities but its something I'm not prepared to live with . She may accuse me of being a narcissist for it. I don't think I am. So I don't know ?

As you know old Cilla in the sky well its not tinder is it ? not that I would know but you get one date every 15 years you have to try and maintain order between the forces of good and evil and then they usually wander away muttering how rubbish you are. Maybe that's a call for me to be better.

Maybe I am and I am a shy person and you know your a beautiful young lady and maybe you know it and I'm still the OLD gawky IT guy.Hopefully you've got a lot of friends with regards to the cosmic order I did initially try the middle road but I was too weak I needed gods strength. You maybe stronger than me. The reason I have been upset is you know "don't carry the world upon your shoulders". I didn't want this and well its not easy is it.

For all I know their are a thousand guys who think they have the world on their shoulders but I suspect not.

Of course I am suspicious though if you were in my position you would be ?

Don't worry you have nothing to fear from me. My wife well lets put it this way seems to have a part in this kitchen sink drama of ours. She's got a lot on her plate at the moment. If only I could split myself apart !

I tried hard within the constraints I had I am sorry I had to leave you on your own for so long and believe me I AM not chasing you.  I want you to be happy that's all. I wanted to be happy too but that is less important. I have always been straightforward about my situation and what I could and couldn't do. It hurts to be accused of emotional manipulation (maybe in Sians time but I was scared and the pressures were heavy). Anyway relax enjoy yourself I'm sorry ok I really am.

If you ever wanted to talk you can text me on oops wrong number that's Michelles mines is 07926 094897.

I'm OK you know its all narrative a long time ago a lovely lady did a compilation for me ? Well she was too shy to say it was for me it had the song never had a prayer by the golden virgins on it. What she didn't know was I would have done anything for her I came this close to jacking in my job and moving down to London that's how I felt although the narrator was probably even then throwing in the odd curve ball.

I'm patient I guess I've still got work to do though not on a Sunday of course.

​Are you OK.

I know we both know the moment has passed I thought awhile ago but I never did really have my finger on the pulse. Looking between the lines I would appear to have a different destination before my current commitments are up anyway.. So I am sorry hopefully you are back to being yourself again and I am back to being Mat personally I much prefer just being myself. I think I would have been good at doing the school run taking out the trash etc.Although I've not done much of that recently it has to be said. I'm not sure whether there are bins in heaven its definitely vegan and there are no guns so sounds good to me. Although I am finding the vegan thing good for slimming because there's very little you can eat other than nuts. In another life I would have liked to swap recipes or even cooked you a meal but it wasn't to be.

when I was 19 and definitely an atheist I wrote a poem the 4th ages of man the usual 3 ages stuff but I then added the 4th age is the best where we get to burst the bubble and begin again. Something like that anyway which is hope for us both. As for why ? As I've said before I don't really know you only have to go to the park to see all the families loving each other the pony tailed guy in his 60s taking his wife with motor neurone disease into the wildflowers on a hot day. I don't know.

My original premise that it is satan that hates people and seeks to destroy them all and it was meant to be us against him. Was that wishful thinking.

All you can do is try and soften your heart and take each day as it comes. My heart hardens at times jealousies mistrust but if you just let it go it doesn't eat away at you I guess look I also know your not 5 I'm probably pitching this bit low !

Primarily because people are destroying creation he is going to sort it all out its just a shame that people hate him so much.

The h bombs they seem to be attached to me I think so if I'm not there.

I would hope that people would change there behaviour when they know but that doesn't seem to be happening.

I'd love to know your thoughts ? Are you ok ? is your lad ok ?

Its a bit like a live book reading and we are just the actors how much we can change the story I still don't know. Maybe that also is wishful thinking.

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Don't be depressed I think wonderful things are beginning to happen and may be happening soon it may just be that wishful thinking but good for everybody and the earth.

No I haven't been smoking anything either and there is nothing to fear the god of creation who loves us all well he can do anything.

I don't think I'm lying although it requires patience all in gods time as they say. I've been giggling away to myself today as it occurs to me that this kitchen sink drama has more characters around us with parts to play. I do have to say given that it is revelation and everything this low budget version we seem to be in can make you laugh at times.

How are you feeling ?

The thing that puzzles me still is I can do my songs but you seem to be expecting me to make the call as such which I can't do because its not appropriate and I am already married so yeah that's tricky.

I saw you today I tried to make good eye contact maybe you didn't notice me maybe you didn't want to which is fine. I didn't walk past gawping that would have been a bit weird. Mind you we are strangers really like the ghosts of pea video. Though we may meet again under happier circumstances who knows

I always thought it was the most tragic song slim slow slider the bit at end where he says I don't know what to do especially so and that is true.I know some of the story and I'm sure reading between the lines so do you. So does the story stop if we don't go on with it ? That's not the only tragic eventuality either If you believe its a tragic story of redemptive love with a metaphysically happy ending If you don't believe its just a tragic story.

So what to do sit here watching both our hearts break maybe its already too late for that. Practically I need all my money at the moment for a supporting commitment that I am assured ends at the end of august there is then another months wage to afford an annulment then I would be looking for a bond. Maybe my illness that hasn't even been diagnosed yet will take me before Christmas this year maybe next ? I have suggested breaking my commitment (not marriage another commitment) to Michelle and I get a violent and dangerous reaction that is worrying. I really don't know what to do.

I feel I am cast as the fool in this story I do believe in the redemptive power of love deeply but then so did Gatsby.

I don't mean to make light of the situation but the writers have really jumped the shark on this one.

I'm trying to take a sad song and make it better but I really don't know how ?

I am of course mindful of my responsibilities to everyone not just yourself you know I really want to go for a coffee and be able to look you in the eyes because this is becoming a mockery of love. Do I still need to make the call as such or are we beyond that ?

I haven't written the song yet and knowing the way this works it will I don't know go dry. 

As I say I don't know what to do. its not a game to me and it never has been.

With regard to the bible while I would love some of the things I am proclaiming about the nature of Jesus to be true you know I have my doubts. Not that Jesus is real I am totally convinced of that but is what In am saying biblical ?

Mind you the joker sang for the King and Queen. We all have to play our part though.

The other crazy thing is I already know its a tale of redemptive love and I used the song gigantic which in one sense could be interpreted as a big love in another sense maybe something else curious choice.( Don't worry I do see a good end for you but you have to try )

You have got to have hope and don't think for one moment I think that the world doesn't have some serious problems ahead of it but even if you weren't a believer you would still think you would need a miracle to sort them out. That's what I am expecting a miracle.

If it's you with the Manchester by the sea I would love to do lunch easier during the week at work in town. No idea how I arrange such a thing do I have to beam the bat sign into the clouds or something or you could teams me ?

I'm sorry it was flippant comment not a slur.

LookI've spent my entire life in this shit story I'm not saying all the times have been bad.

But all the feelings are real the love the downs the highs  the things entering and leaving your bodyListen to this song " I" wrote over 9 years ago and neither of us are stupid enough to not know who's point of view its written from.

Forgive my genuine excitement that my death might actually mean something.​

I don't want to cheat on anybody or anything I just wanted to you know break the third wall on this thing and just sit down and chat like normal people and you know forget the war for half an hour or so.

Forget being the man who sold the world or whatever other crap people are accusing me of being and just ... I doubt know its probably a bad idea I did try may best you know even Leonard said that it just was never meant to be good enough I guess. I didn't write the story I'm just in it.

I think I've said this before just because in the story I was supposed to marry you doesn't mean its some sort of obligation it just means I am either the bastard who leaves his wife while her mother is ill or the bastard who has to watch his soulmate twisting in the fire (which I will add I didn't know that would happen) or watch her being lonely and unsupported while trying to raise a boy on a part time wage in a tough world and on top of that having to go through all this whatever this is. I am sorry I know that's not good enough but I mean it.

My heart has bled for you but you know I'm ok don't worry about me I just worry about you constantly and not for the reasons you probably think anyway we both know there's duality there and a hard gig either way.

I'm not proud of my actions at the start I hope you can understand that I had a certain reluctance you know I used to own my own home and stuff so would I throw myself off a cliff again for love I don't actually know you we've barely talked I didn't know if I didn't it would go down that route again. It did and I'm sorry again although I still can't see the path I could have taken that would have led to that happy ending ? That's why I was so excited about that last song yeah I know it's the easy option for me but at least its probably something I couldn't mess up. From my point of view there are preferable options and I think I have still got work to do before then anyway. How are you by the way do you have friends I hope so. Lovely sunset tonight hope you caught it.

I just looked up some pics of you on Facebook something I don't do very often and I just think god I have lost my mind here.Your lovely too lovely for me Except this song stuff is actually happening.

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